


Christmas in Seattle

by RascalAndCo



Category: The Killing
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-04
Updated: 2018-01-07
Packaged: 2019-02-10 08:45:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 39,197
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12908391
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RascalAndCo/pseuds/RascalAndCo
Summary: Post S4.  Holder devises a 12 step program to bring Linden some Christmas Cheer.(rating change to Mature...officially....)





	1. Step 1

**Author's Note:**

> Just a lil Christmas fic. Please forgive spelling and typos and words that weren't what I actually wanted. Am posting as I go without much review as an exercise in not obsessing things to perfection :)

“Seriously, is there nothing better on?” Sarah groused as she flipped through radio stations.

“Embrace the Season, Linden,” Holder prodded her in the shoulder cheerfully with one finger as he turned right onto the street that would take them to Pacific Centre. For Christmas shopping, no less. That alone was enough to put her in a mood.

“I swear to god if I have to listen to ‘Holly Jolly Christmas’ one more time the only thing I’m going to be embracing is a bullet,” she muttered, flipping channels once more. It was only December twelfth and there was no way she was going to survive another twelve days of the magic of the season being flung in her face.

She was jarred out of her unhappy musings when Holder swerved sharply to the right and slammed on the breaks. “What the FUCK, Linden?” he snarled, as he jammed the car into park and spun towards her.

“It’s too damned early for this shit,” she groused. It was sickening, really.

“Do you need to see someone? Talk to someone?”

“What?” That startled her. What the hell was he talking about?

“I’m serious, Linden. You’ve been out of wack for days and now you’re talking like you’d rather be dead than face the next Christmas song, nevermind the next day.”

“It was a joke, Holder. I was trying to be funny.”

“Well, it wasn’t funny. AT ALL,” he muttered darkly.

She glanced up at him and did a double take when she realized that the anger in his words was disguising actual worry. It was enough to make her bite back a snide retort. Instead, she reached out and brushed his cheek with the back of her knuckles, feeling badly about scaring him and wanting the contact to maybe take her unease away. “I’m fine,” she promised, “I just don’t much care for the holidays is all.”

“Well, they’re here,” he pointed out quietly, capturing the fingers she had extended and bringing them to his lips. “So might as well make the best of em, hmmm?” At that, he let her hand go and put the car back in drive, once again putting them in the path of Pacific Centre and a crowd of shoppers.

“I really hate the malls, especially this time of the year,” she couldn’t help but sigh.

“Yeah, full of people and shoppers and shit. Everyone sayin’ Merry Christmas. Bein’ nice. Sucks when people are nice.” Holder’s commiseration was ruined by his obvious irreverence. “Hey, at least it ain’t Dec 24th,” he pointed out as an afterthought, “Shit really gets real then.”  
She didn’t know what to say to that, so she just shook her head and swallowed the giggle that threatened to come out at the thought of the insanity of the 24th, and cycled through the radio stations for a third time.

******************************************************  
“So what d’ya have against Christmas, anyways?” Holder asked as he slid into the food court booth beside her, bumping her over until she had to adjust all of their bags on the other side of her so they wouldn’t fall off the bench. They were taking a break because her feet hurt and she was thirsty. And, mostly, because Holder was hungry.

“It’s just so overdone,” she sighed. “All the hype, and the fuss. For what? I mean, what are we even celebrating?”

“The birth of Jesus Christ, our lord and saviour,” Holder said slowly and firmly, as if she was a little bit slow. He took a huge bite out of his burger then gestured one burger-filled hand towards the mountain of food in front of him, “You sure you don’t want any of this? Quality fast food, mama.”

“I’m sure. I thought you were Hindu, now.”

Holder ignored her dig and continued to methodically work his way through all of his food. His veganism was as selective as always. Which she was actually fairly grateful for, so she didn’t bother poking at him about it. “I never would have pictured you being so enthusiastic about the holidays,” she admitted instead.

“Well, you know. Christmas wasn’t no shit when I was a kid. Gotta make up for it now, y’know?” he shrugged. “And I have Kalia now, too. Christmas is fun with kids. You know that, I think.”

She nodded. She did know that. She remembered when Jack was five, giddy and excited and begging her to help him write another letter to Santa every night. She couldn’t remember ever enjoying the holidays as much as Jack did when he was little. And she had enjoyed his joy at the season, she had to admit. Christmas was ok, when it was her and Jack. But that was before. Before everything had gone to hell. Before she’d sent him to live with his dad and spent Christmas morning talking to him on the phone and spending the rest of the day alone.

“And this Christmas is extra special,” Holder was saying. Then he paused, waiting. She knew he wanted her to bite, but she wasn’t really feeling quite that accommodating. Thinking of Christmas’ past just made her feel all of the loneliness all over again. The failures. The little girl nobody wanted. Lonely. She hated how lonely the holidays made her, even when she was surrounded by people. “Don’t you want to know why?” he finally asked. She couldn’t even look at him, scared he’d see something of her feelings in her face.

“I’m sure you’re going to tell me,” she glanced at him long enough to roll her eyes, before taking another sip of her drink, stalling, keeping her face tilted slightly away so he couldn’t see any of the hurt and emptiness she was starting to feel.

“Because,” he continued, “You’re here. It’s our first Christmas, you and me. You ready to get back out there?” he asked before she could respond to the first. Which was good because his words brought on a tidal wave of emotion that she couldn’t quite push back. It overwhelmed the sadness and loneliness and emptiness. Overpowered it, even. She thought her eyes might be tearing over. She tried to smile at him, and when it felt like she couldn’t succeed she just leaned forward and touched her lips to his briefly, before getting up and helping him clear the table.

“I can’t believe you ate all of that,” she deflected, needing a subject that was safe, that didn’t bring up all of these feelings that she didn’t want to deal with. Didn’t know how to deal with.

“Mock me now, woman. But just you wait til supper. I’m gonna take you someplace amazing to end this perfect day.”

“Perfect,” she repeated, aware of how skeptical she sounded. It was just another day, and not even one where they were doing anything particularly fun.

“Well, yeah, Linden. I mean, I’m spending it with you.”

******************************************************************************  
“Hey, Linden, in here!” Holder exclaimed, reaching out with one bag filled arm and tugging at her jacket. The store he was steering them for was appallingly named “The Christmas Store.” And even more horrifying was the sheer bonanza of Christmas stuff inside. It was like someone threw up Christmas and then stuffed it in a too-small box in the mall.

“No,” she stated firmly, trying to duck away. She would be lying if she said that she hadn’t enjoyed most of the afternoon - more than she thought she would, for sure. Watching Holder shop for girl toys was something of a novelty. He had this ‘method’, he called it. But really what he was doing, she thought, was trying to find the perfect gift. In the middle of the long drawn out process that was Holder’s “method”, she’d selected her own gift for the creative little girl, making Holder’s eyes crinkle with pleasure when he caught sight of it. But this? “No way. Just, NO.”

“Yessssss,” Holder sang out, practically bouncing on his heels as he tugged her towards The Christmas Store again.

“You’ve got enough stuff for the kids,” she tried. He had Liz’s kids, Kalia, and Liz all squared away already, what more did he need? And she was pretty sure he’d said he had all the gifts he needed.

“Yeah, but we still need ornaments.”

“What?”

“Ornaments. You know, the things that go on the Christmas tree,” he eyeballed her as if she was really slow. Again. “Surely you had a Christmas tree when Jack was little.”

“Yes, we had a tree,” she rolled her eyes, wondering how she got herself into these conversations. “It was decorated with things Jack made in school. Don’t kids do that anymore?”

“Kalia always makes me ornaments. And her ma. And I have some from Liz’s kids. And a few I found here and there,” he catalogued. His finger was twitching as if he’d be ticking the items off on them if his hands weren’t full. She wondered why she even noticed that. “But we need an ornament, Linden, and I didn’t take you for the crafty type.”

“We?”

“I think if you checked the dictionary you’d find it means Me. and You,” he grinned at her. “We. Us. You n’ me.”

“Why do we need an ornament?” It wasn’t really surprising that he was confusing her - he did that a lot, mostly on purpose she thought. He thought he was a riot. But this time she sensed a level of seriousness under his ridiculous demeanor.

“To commemorate our first Christmas, of course. Now quit bein’ the Grinch and c’mon.” He grabbed her arm again and tugged her more forcefully towards the store. This time, she let him. It really was important to him, she realized. And if she was being honest with herself, something about his obvious joy at spending Christmas with her warmed her cold little heart, just a little bit.

She rethought that warmth just a bit though when, twenty minutes later, Holder standing at the checkout buying five ornaments. FIVE! All of which had he excitedly concluded where them. “They’re going to take up most of the tree,” she complained. Five was over kill, how was she ever supposed to live up to them? “There won’t be room for any of Kalia’s decorations and that’ll disappoint her.” Surely the kid card would work.

“What? What kind of small piddly ass tree do you think we’re gonna have?” he shot her a look that she thought was a cross between amusement and exasperation.

“One that actually fits in your apartment.”

“Listen, woman. Casa de Holder does it right. No scrawny ass little Charlie Brown trees. In fact, we might need a few more ornaments.” He made a show of trying to get out of line and go back to search out some more, and she couldn’t stop a laugh from bubbling up. She grabbed his arm to keep him there and he let her hold him back and agreed to stay put, but not before smushing his face into her cheek and planting a sloppy kiss on it.

“Oh, hey, look!” he pointed a minute later to a decoration on the wall above the till. “It’s a snowman family! There’s me, you, Kalia, and Jack!” It was a foursome of snowmen all together, a man and woman with arms around each other and two kids. Maybe the kind of thing you pick up when your kids were five, she thought...but Jack was an adult so it felt kind of skewed.

“Any of the snowmen on the base can be swapped out for all of the ones on the shelves below. The base is doubled up with two sides that swing out where you can add pets, and any additional children you might have someday can be added when the time comes,” an employee said with a wink.

“I think we’re past the point of that,” Holder chuckled before she could say anything. “But good to know in case we someday get a dog. I think we need one, don’t you, Linden?”

“A dog?” Honestly, she couldn’t follow his mind at all, no matter now many mental gymnastics she did.

“No, Linden. The snowman family.” He rolled his eyes and pointed up. “Just like that one.”

She didn’t. Not really. But Holder was practically bouncing on his heels in excitement at the idea of having a snowman family - of all things - and she didn’t have the heart to disagree. “Sure, why not?” And it was worth it when Holder smiled down at her like it was the best thing she’d said all day.

“I’ll get it boxed up,” the salesperson smiled.

****************************************************************************  
“Operation Christmas Shopping was a success!” Holder cheered as he relieved her of the last of the bags and added them to the pile on his living room floor. He slung an arm around her neck and ducked in for a kiss.

“I hope it’s a wrap, too,” she said drily, but couldn’t stop herself from smiling up at him and touching her lips to his, going back for seconds.

“Til next year, anyways,” he agreed happily. He was really relaxed and jovial, which made her happy despite being surrounded by holiday hoopla. It was hard to not smile with Holder beside her, relaxed and goofy as always. “Anyhow, Linden. Be honest. You had fun.”

It surprised her, but she actually had enjoyed herself at times. Holder had spent the entire day trying to infuse her with Christmas cheer, sharing some of his favorite things of the season with her. He had plied her with candy cane hot chocolate and kissed her stupid once, randomly, by pinning her against the wall with his body so she couldn’t get away. Smack in the middle of a mall full of people. Their arms were full of bags, so she couldn’t fend him off. At least three people had hooted. He claimed it was tradition. It would have been embarrassing if he hadn’t been so damned adorable about it. He’d kissed the snot out of her a second time at the car after they’d filled it with all of his - and her - purchases. It still surprised her, in a way, being grabbed and kissed and touched and cuddled by Holder. He was way more affectionate and touchy-feely than she’d ever expected. It made her uncomfortable, but at the same time, it made her feel oddly cherished. Which resulted in her protests being mostly half-hearted. And then he’d taken her to the pier for scallops and shrimp, treating her to an amazing meal. She’d groused her way through the day and he just kept spoiling her with all sorts of nice things.

She didn’t really know how to verbalize any of it, so she just wrapped her arms around his neck and reached up on her toes to touch her lips to his once more. “I love you,” she told him softly.

He wrapped his arms around her and hugged her tightly. This, she thought, taking a breath and inhaling the scent of everything that embodied Holder. This is why she came back.

A minute later he broke away, and tugged her towards their mountain of purchases. “C’mon, we gotta sort through this shit and get it all put away before Princess Kalia comes tomorrow.”

They sorted mostly in silence, employing Holder’s “tried and true” method of “wrap all this shit now and forget about it until Christmas.” It amused her that he was that organized, but she was also glad because hey, it was one more thing she didn’t have to worry about until next year.

Sometime in the middle of the process he tried to tug her over the pile towards him, to kiss her, but she ducked away. “Ha! We both know how that’s gonna end. Not happening, Holder.”

“What?” He asked, offering her a seemingly innocent look that wasn’t innocent at all.

“You know exactly what,” she started, then because she knew he would play clueless she added, “Being naked beside your kid’s toys is all kinds of wrong.”

“Whatever, Linden,” he offered her a sideways glance and then got distracted, rooting through the bags they hadn’t gotten to yet. “I know it’s here somewhere,” he muttered.

She just rolled her eyes and went back to wrapping and let him do his thing. She got through two more gifts before he surfaced with a triumphant “Found it!” When she glanced over he had the dreadful The Christmas Store bag in his hand. He dug around in it and then came out with a fistful of mistletoe. The same fistful of mistletoe that had been sitting on the teller’s table for him to grab as they rang the rest of his stuff through. At the time, she’d tried to convince him he really did not need five clumps of the stuff, but he insisted he totally did and five was maybe not even enough. When he grabbed two more she rolled her eyes and let him do his thing, because it obviously made him happy. Plus she figured if she fussed over seven he’d probably grab ten.

Now she was regretting that decision, as he eyed the mistletoe and then her with great interest. When he made to lunge at her and hold it over her head she let out an involuntary shriek and scrambled to her feet. And then he was up, faster than she’d expect for someone of his height, and lunging at her again.

“You’re so w─OOOFFF,” she grunted as he caught her against him. His eyes were gleaming with mischief as he held the damned green stuff over her head. He swooped in and caught her lips, kissing her hard and deep. Then his hands were on her ass and he was lifting her up against him. She arched against him and kissed him back, because it felt damned good and she really didn’t have near as much self control as she liked to pretend that she did. Which was the real reason she let him carry her to the cupboard and kiss the daylights out of her again.

When she slid her hand under the waistband of his pants, intent on getting them off, his hands slid down her arms until he captured hers and pulled them away from his body. He kissed her one more time, then kissed her cheek before pulling away with a cheeky grin. “Got presents to wrap,” he reminded her.

“You’re a god-damned tease,” she gasped. And cocky as hell, as he sauntered over to the kitchen, grabbed a chair, and used it to slap a piece of mistletoe up on the ceiling between the kitchen and living room with a flourish. She swallowed down sexual frustration and overall annoyance, only slightly comforted when his movements made it clear that he was as affected as she was.

He helped her off of the counter with one arm, kissed her on the cheek, and put the rest of the mistletoe back in the bag. “Told you you didn’t need that many,” she couldn’t help but poke at him a bit.

“Never you mind, Linden. The rest is for later.”

*****************************************************************************  
“Kalia still believes?” She asked as Holder slapped a “From Santa” sticker on his kid’s biggest gift.

“Well, yeah. She’s only five. I hope she believes for a long time, y’know? Keep the magic going.” He paused, shifting the huge barbie house that the little girl had been talking about for weeks over to the side, and then he rested one arm on his knees and eyed her. “It’s like... I d’no, Linden. I want her to believe in magic and fairy tales and the beauty of the world for as long as possible, y’know?”

She did know. She had forgotten what it was like to look at the world and see beauty. Sometimes she wondered if she ever had.

“How old were you, when you quit believin?” he asked.

“Six,” she shrugged, grabbing one of the last few boxes - some fancy electronic thing Holder had bought for Davy - and sizing up the wrapping paper.

“Seriously?”

“Yup. First foster home enlightened me.”

“So, what, they don’t do presents and Christmas and shit in foster care?”

She shrugged and rocked forward a bit, remembering. “There was this toy I wanted… a doll, I think. I wanted help writing a letter to Santa and the foster mother… god she was always crying… she just got mad. Told me there wasn’t any Santa and real life isn’t a stupid fantasy and she was doing me a favour by telling me. That I needed to know what life really was and accept it, for my own good.”

“You were just a kid!”

“Yeah, well, kids grow up fast in foster care.”

“No wonder you ran away all the time,” he said softly, reaching out and touching her cheek. She leaned into it for a second. “So did she get it for you? Your doll?”

“Regi did, actually,” she twisted her lips, remembering. “She got me a new foster home, too.”

“Were they all like that?”

She blew out a breath, twisted her lips. She really didn’t want to talk about any of it. So she avoided answering with her own question. “How did you know I ran away?”

“You told me. When we were looking for Adrian’s treehouse.”

“And you remembered?”

“Well, yeah. Of course I did. I remember everything you told me.” He shifted over to the side, to sit beside her on the floor, leaning back against couch and sliding an arm around her shoulders. “So what was the next one like?”

“Not better, just different. I think we had ramen noodles for Christmas. The next one, though...she was wonderful.” She leaned against him and sighed. “I was eight, I think. She tried to convince me that I was wrong, Santa was real but that he wouldn’t know what to get me if I didn’t write him.”

“Did you?”

“I wanted to make her happy. So yeah. But the only thing I wanted that Christmas was a real family, a home. And she was such a sweet lady, just wonderful really. I wanted her to adopt me. I think she read the letter,” she admitted. “She had me and a four year old…” She remembered a surprising amount from that home, including the way Patti had sat her down and asked her to help make sure Izzy still believed after it became clear that she was beyond believing. “She made a big Christmas dinner for us and her husband and Regi and her sister and nieces. Her nieces were nice to us. There were so many presents that year. We even got to take them with us when we went to a different home.”

“Sounds like the kind of home where they’d want to leave kids. How come you couldn’t stay there? ” He asked against her hair, then kissed the top of her head. His arm around her was comforting, even though the memories weren’t.

“She died. Ovarian cancer, I think. Regi told me later - I was an adult - that she wanted to keep me. And that they left us with Patti longer than they should have because Patti insisted. Izzy left first. Got adopted. But Regi left me with Patti until she couldn’t literally take care of me anymore, not even with Regi’s help. I guess she told Regi that she didn’t want me to think that I wasn’t wanted.” She shook her head and blew out a breath. “I’m not sure why she cared, really. But she did.”

“Well, that’s something, at least.”

“Yeah. It was.” She closed her eyes and leaned into Holder’s chest, trying to push back the old memories.

“Well, Christmas wasn’t any kind of shit when I was a kid. Liz tried. But my pa had split when I was about three, and my ma was… well, even when she was there she wasn’t. Not really. Mostly she was three sheets to the wind. Manic. I think maybe she was bipolar and self-medicated with alcohol, which just made it worse,” he paused, kissed the top of her head again, ”Liz tried, though. She really tried. When she was twelve she tried to cook a full course Christmas dinner. The turkey caught fire in the oven and we used a whole fire extinguisher gettin’ it out,” he chuckled.

“At least she tried. Regi tried too,” she admitted. “She was a saint, really. Sometimes I spent Christmas with whatever family I was living with, brought along to dinner at some relative or others, somewhere I didn’t belong. Other times they didn’t want to bring the foster kid along, so I would spent Christmas with Regi.” She lifted her shoulders into a shrug and relaxed them slowly. “I preferred those ones, really. Regi always kind of treated me like family.”

“Regi’s a good woman.”

“I used to wish she wasn’t my social worker,” she admitted.

“Well that don’t make no sense.”

“I kept hoping that if she wasn’t my social worker, maybe she would have adopted me.”

“Well, she basically did, Linden. Just cause you ain’t got a piece of paper saying it doesn’t mean it isn’t so.”

It was so Holder, to say something like that. So kind. She blinked the tears from her eyes and pushed away from him slightly - just enough that she could cup his face in one hand and kiss him. God she needed to kiss him right now.

“And now,” he said against her lips, “We’re gonna have a real Christmas. Your whole family. You, me, Kalia, Jack. Christmas eve with Regi and Christmas Day at Liz’s. It’ll be everything you ever wanted,” he promised, his words so sincere and his eyes so earnest that she couldn’t stop a tear from trailing down her cheek.

She ducked her face down, fought to keep her composure. “Jack’s not coming,” she whispered.

“What? I thought it was all set?”

“So did I,” she admitted. “But his buddies are going skiing on the 26th and he wanted to stay and go with.”

“ I thought you had his flights booked?”

“I did. I cancelled them a few days ago.”

“Why? You coulda just insisted he come. He should be here.” Holder’s confusion was genuine, she knew. And she wasn’t sure how to make him understand, and she didn’t think she could talk about it without crying, so she just shook her head.

“Sarah,” he said gently, tipping her chin up so she was forced to meet his gaze. She knew her eyes were watery and the only thing she could do was offer him a helpless shrug.

“I just… I want him to want to be here, you know? I don’t want him to come just because he has to.”

“Well, it’s his loss then, isn’t it?” Holder hugged her tightly to him again. “He’s the one who’s missing out.” She knew he wanted to make her feel better but now that she’d said it out loud, that Jack wasn’t coming, all of the hurt and disappointment and feelings of failure that she’d been trying to suppress were cut loose. So she slid her arms around his body and hugged him back, closing her eyes and letting his heartbeat and the feel of his hand rubbing up and down her back steady her.  
**************************************************************************************  
When she came out of the shower, Holder was just shutting the lights in the living room. He’d managed to get everything cleaned up, which impressed her. He smiled down at her and slid her ponytail tie from her hair, ruffling it around her shoulders with his fingers. He didn’t saying anything, just slung an arm over her shoulder and headed towards the bedroom. She was drained and exhausted from the day and emotionally spent from the memories and admission that Jack wasn’t coming, so she just slid under the covers and curled up, waiting for him. He flicked the bedside lamp on and climbed in beside her, then poked her in the ribs.

“Hey, Linden. Look up.”

“C’mon, Holder. It’s late. No games.”

“Look UP, Sarah,” he goaded. She sighed and rolled onto her back. And there it was.

“You have got to be kidding me. You’re not leaving that there until Christmas.” Taped to the top of the headboard was a sprig of mistletoe. “ I knew letting you buy that stuff was a terrible idea.”

“It was the best idea,” he disagreed, leaning over her to claim his kiss. His fingers trailed down her ribs leaving little tendrils of heat in his wake. Then, he settled beside her and traced her jawline with one finger. “I love you,” he told her, and then he glanced up again. “Oh, look, mistletoe is still there. You know what that means,” he added cheerfully as he leaned over her, his expression expectant.

“You’re such an idiot,” she laughed.

“Yeah, but you love me anyways.”

“Yeah,” she whispered as she tipped her head up to kiss him and let one of her hands slide down his body to start pushing his boxers down - because she knew exactly how this was going to end. “I really do.”


	2. Step 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 2 got the teeniest bit out of hand.......... in more ways than one.

The sun was trying to peek through the curtains, an intrusion Holder wasn’t quite ready for. If he acknowledged the sun, he had to get up, and that definitely wasn’t something he intended to do just yet. Why would he, when Linden was all snugged in against him, one leg over his hips and her head pillowed on his shoulder? Firstly, if he moved he might wake her and that wasn’t fair - woman needed her sleep. Secondly, Linden’s naked body was wrapped around his equally naked body, and past experience told him that if he stayed there until she woke up he’d probably get lucky.

He closed his eyes and ran a hand over her hair and let his mind wander. Lying here with her, like this, felt like something he’d done forever. But at the same time, it felt like only yesterday that she’d came back. He still couldn’t quite believe it - that it was her, lying here with him. It was such a novelty - the softness of her skin, the incredible feel of her surrounding him as he slid into her body, the way they fit together as if they were two halves of a whole.

And that wasn’t even the best part. The best part was the way she was when she let her guard down and let him in. The way she would tell him things, sometimes, about her life before. Like last night. She was opening up more and more. And she was soft, sweet with him now. And sweet with Kalia. Finally, she wasn’t acting like she was afraid to care - most of the time.

He’d been worried about her, the last few days. She was quieter - no easy feat for the queen of silence herself - and she’d been running more. Crankier. Something. It made more sense now that she’d told him about Jack. And boy, he’d like to punt that boy a good one, doin’ that to his ma. He and lil’ man, they were gonna have a chat about it, and soon.

He had to do something about Linden’s Christmas spirit, too, he figured. He was serious when he said Christmas wasn’t much of anything when he was growing up, but at least he had Liz. At least Liz had cared until he tweaked out on her. Linden, she didn’t have nobody growing up, nobody ‘cept Regi and, he thought maybe she had been too young to appreciate that as being the same as havin’ someone. He wondered if maybe in the next few days, he could give her all of the Christmases she never had as a kid.

Just then, Linden let out a little huff of breath against his skin and arched her back, which pressed her chest into him, distracting him from his thoughts. She was starting to wake. He ran his hand across her shoulder and down her back, nuzzling his nose into her hair. “Morning,” he murmured and she hummed in response, burrowing deeper against him.  
“Sorry I was such a jerk, yesterday,” she mumbled against his skin.

“S’no thing,” he shrugged his free shoulder and rubbed his cheek against her hair. “You weren’t that bad.”

“I was,” she disagreed, lifting her head a bit and offering him an apologetic smile. “You were so nice to me and all I was was grumpy.”

“Well, maybe I deserve a thank you,” he quipped, then rolled his eyes up towards the mistletoe. He was relieved that it hadn’t fallen down on them in their sleep. Linden woulda looovvveed that.

“Take that thing down,” she huffed, but the words were mild. Almost amused. Good, then it was working.

“Nuh uh. ‘Sides, you benefit too, y’know,” he pointed out. “Now c’mon, you know what to do.”

He didn’t wait for her to act, he just tugged her up over top of him until her face was in his and he could kiss her. He started with her cheek, and then caught her lips at the same time as he flexed his hips, sheathing himself inside her in one easy move. It was as perfect as the first time. “Fucking amazing. Sarah,” he rasped against her lips. She let out a small sigh of pleasure and tried to pick up the pace.

Fast would be incredible, but he loved mornings like this and wasn’t in any hurry for it to be over, so he steadied her hips with his hands and kissed the side of her neck, whispering her name and memorizing her body with his fingertips. This was everything, he thought.

******************  
“Ah ah ah, don’t touch,” he tapped Linden’s fingers when he caught her prying at the mistletoe on the headboard. They were finally up, dressed, and Kalia was going to be here any minute.

“Seriously, if you leave it there until Christmas you’ll wear yourself out,” she rolled her eyes.

“In the most enjoyable way,” he agreed, lunging at her. She let out a shriek as he pinned her to the bed, and then pretended to fight him off in a very weak, half-hearted way before going all soft and relaxed underneath him, her arms coming up to wrap around his neck. Her eyes were dancing with laughter. He loved the way they shimmered when she was happy. “It stays.” he told her firmly, then he kissed her. Because really, how could he not?

And it wasn’t like she was complaining. And if she did he would just point out that her tongue touched his first. “You can’t… possibly… be ready…to go… again,” she was saying now between kisses.

“Sure I can,” he disagreed, landing a kiss on her pert little nose. It was only the littlest bit of a lie. “But we don’t have time. Kalia’ll be here any minute.” He moved to get up and her arms tightened around his neck, keeping him there, her eyes sparkling with mischief. And then her lips curved up in a smile that could only be described as evil, and she lifted her head a bit to kiss him again as she let one of her hands travel to places her hands shouldn’t be travelling when they were short on time.

It took him a minute to catch her rogue hands, and when he finally did she was grinning wickedly at him. “Minx,” he admonished, dropping one last kiss on her lips before lifting off of her and helping her to her feet.

“You started it,” she shrugged, bumping her shoulder into him as she wandered out of the bedroom. “You gonna make me some coffee?” she asked as a knock on the door signalled Kalia’s arrival.

**********************************************  
“You forgot to put that away,” she commented as she wrapped her hands around the mug of coffee he’d just offered her, nodding towards The Christmas Store bag.

“Didn’t forget,” he disagreed. “We need that today.”

“For what, daddy?” Kalia asked, bouncing beside him.

“We don’t need it until we get a tree,” Linden shot him a pointed look that made it clear she thought he was ridiculous.

“What d’ya think we’re gonna do today?”

“YAYWE’REGETTINGOURCHRISTMASTREE!” Kalia hollered. He should probably admonish her for yelling inside, but her excitement was what made Christmas so fun so he let it slide - this time. Plus he was a bit distracted by the horrified look on Linden’s face.

“But it’s only the 13th.”

“So?” He grinned.

“Yeah, so?” Kalia mimicked cheekily. His little princess was always on his side.

“It’ll be dead by Christmas.”

“Not if you water it, Mary,” he admonished, poking her in the arm as he made his point.

“Mary?”

“Yeah… You know. Mistress Mary, quite contrary, how does your garden grow?” he recited first line of the nursery rhyme, teasing her for being difficult. He knew he could wear her down, this way.

“With silver bells and cockle shells and Christmas Trees in a row!” Kalia finished gleefully, substituting the last line.

“Har, har, you two” Linden rolled her eyes. “Never took you for the nursery rhyme type,” she added with a pointed look.

“What can I say, Linden. I’m a man of great complexity and sophistication,” he informed her and grinned at the look of disbelief and horror he got in return.

“You’re ridiculous,” she huffed.

He hooked his elbow around her neck and tugged her closer so he could drop another kiss on her. Because kissing her into submission was the best way to get his way. And because he loved doing it enough to take any excuse. “You know you love it, Linden.”

*********************************************************  
“This one!” Kalia exclaimed and he glanced over to see Linden nodding her approval of the tree his little lady was jumping up and down in front of. He had to hand it to her - she may not like the day’s activity but she was gamely playing along for his kid. And him, he liked to believe. And maybe she was gettin’ into it just a little.

“I see you found a tree you like,” he told her knowingly, making sure she knew he was onto the fact that she liked the tree. “Shame it’s too small,” he added a moment later, pretending it was an afterthought.

“It is not!” Linden argued, spinning towards him with her hands on her hips.

“Is not! It’s beautiful!” Kalia chimed in.

“It’s, like, four and a half feet. It’s shorter than you are, Linden, and that’s saying something,” he teased, watching with interest as her eyes flared and then narrowed.

“You keep looking at trees that belong in mansions and people are going to think you’re compensating for something,” she rolled her eyes.

“Ooooh, mama’s got her claws out!” He grinned and winked at her before leaning in close and murmuring in her ear. “You know I got no problems in that department. Nobody else’s opinion matters. Now Come on, short stuff,” he tugged at the chest of her jacket again (making sure to cop half a feel while he was at it, just for fun), dragging her deeper into the lot, enjoying her mutterings about his attitude towards short people with one ear while he continued his search. He’d know the right tree when he saw it, he was sure. He just wasn’t sure that it would meet Linden’s exacting criteria. But if he left it up to her, their tree would be two feet tall and sitting on the coffee table. Well, maybe not quite but honestly, what did the woman know about a good Christmas tree? Her judgement was too skewed.

And there it was. Big. Green. Glorious. He bounded over to it.

“It isn’t going to fit. It’s too tall.”

“Have faith, woman,” he admonished, admiring his find. “I think it’s perfect.”

“Yeah!” Kalia agreed. His kid was easy, at least - agreein’ with whoever, whenever.

“I mean,” he eyed the tree critically, we might have to cut off four or so inches, but that’s no big deal.”

“Holder, that thing is going to take up the entire living room. It’s almost as wide as it is tall.”

“So?”

“You won’t be able to see the TV. Isn’t it whale week or something equally ridiculous next week?”

“We’ll move the tv into the bedroom. Problem solved. ‘Sides, I mean, look how perfect this tree is,” he gestured to the tree. “Anyways, you’re just bein’ difficult for fun,” he teased. And she was, he knew, because there was a very obvious gleam in her eye that told him just how amusing she found this adventure.

Which turned out to be good, because as it happened, his insufferable woman was right. The tree didn’t fit. He was eyeballing it now, sizing it up where it sat, tipped sideways in the living room while he half supported it. It was at least four feet too tall. Linden, damned her, was standing right in his field of vision with her hands on her hips smirking, her eyes dancing with mirth.

“Huh,” he grunted.

“Now what? Cut off the top?”

“Off with it’s head!” Kalia shouted gleefully from her perch on the couch.

“You got it, little lady, we’ll just cut off his head. Or maybe the bottom,” he mused.

“Off with it’s butt!” his little girl bounced up and down.

“Or you could call the super and ask him to lift up the ceiling six or so feet,” Linden offered.

“Oh, so now you decide to be helpful,” he huffed playfully as he went to take the tree from her. He drug it out to the balcony and propped it against the railing, then checked to make sure it was solid. “I’ll be back,” he told Linden as he slid the patio door shut. “Make sure nobody steals our tree.”

“We’re on the fifth floor,” she reminded him dryly, “Pretty sure the tree is safe. A blight on humanity, maybe, but safe. Where are you going?”

“You just make sure it stays that way,” he suggested. “I’ll be back in two shakes. Maybe three.”

It hadn’t been on purpose, but he couldn’t have planned it better if he had tried. The trip to the hardware store to get a little saw was the perfect opportunity for him to make a much needed phone call. He grabbed his jacket, told his little lady to be good, kissed his woman, and headed out into the chilly afternoon. And just in case Linden followed him for any reason, he waited until he was in his car and on his way before he pulled out his phone and dialed.

“Yo! Lil’ Man! Waddup?” he exclaimed cheerfully when Jack picked up.

“Just finishing exams. What’s going on? Is mom ok?”

“Your ma’s fine. I was real sad to hear you won’t be joinin’ us for Christmas. Real sad,” he emphasized. He thought maybe guilting the little punk into submission would be the easiest course of action. “Your ma’s pretty tore up about it.”

“Mom was fine when we talked about it,” Jack argued.

“Maybe she was just pretendin’. Cause she’s not. It meant a lot to her, you bein’ here for Christmas with us this year. It’s my year with Kalia, and with you comin’ it woulda been our first Christmas as a whole family.”

“Mom doesn’t even like Christmas.”

“Maybe your ma’d like Christmas better if the people she loved wasn’t ditchin’ her for it, don’tcha think?”

“You mean like she ditches everyone else? I wouldn’t put much stock in it being your first Christmas, if I was you. It’ll probably be the only one. Mom never stays.” Jack sounded bitter and he almost felt sorry for him. Sorry because he knew Jack didn’t really understand, and it probably hurt him a bit, not understanding why Linden was how she was. But only almost because the little punk needed to have more respect for his ma.

“It’s different this time. Now I tried to do this the nice way but since you just wanna be a little bitch about it, I’m just gonna tell you how it’s going to be. This is our first Christmas as a family, and you are part of that family, and you are going to be here. I’ll book your flights tonight. You’ll fly into Seattle on the 23rd. You can go back on the 27th. You will spend Christmas with your ma. You will not tell her you are coming - we’re gonna surprise her for Christmas. When you’re here, you’re gonna act like you’re happy to be here.”

“Come on, Holder. I have a Christmas party on the 23rd. God, and to think you used to be fun.”

He worried then, that maybe he had come on too strong. He wasn’t really certain of his role in Jack’s life now that his role in Linden’s was also new. He guessed maybe it was a bit how Linden felt with Kalia, except Kalia was just a kid. “Fine. I’ll pay extra and you can fly in on the morning of the 24th. Morning, mind you, so don’t be drinkin’ so much you miss it,” he teased, “I’ll send you the deets tonight.”

“Honestly, Holder. Mom really won’t care if I’m there or not.”

“You will be surprised, how much she cares, Lil’ man. Go easy on her, hmmm? You don’t know the half of what she’s been through. Oh,” he added as an afterthought, “And when you see our Christmas tree, which I have to cut in goddamned half to fit in the apartment, you will take my side on how perfect it is.”

“In half?!” It was only the slightest exaggeration.

“Your ma’s gonna gloat for weeks.”

*******************************************************************  
“Should you be doing that? Seriously, Holder. What if you cut off your leg?”

“It’s a handsaw, Linden. Perfectly safe,” he informed her nonchalantly as he headed back to the patio.

“Famous last words,” she muttered under her breath, following him outside and hovering over his shoulder while he assessed the tree.

“Top or bottom,” he mused, then glanced back at her. “Whatcha think?”

“Bottom.”

“But then the circumference is smaller.” He didn’t like that idea at all. Plus, if he had to defile his tree he wanted it to at least have character. He tapped the saw on the tree in a couple of different places, contemplating. He could feel Linden worryin’ behind him. Finally he sighed and turned.

“Kalia!” he called, “Off with its head or off with it’s butt?”

“Head!” she shouted back gleefully, running to the patio door. “Off with it’s head!”

“You got it, little lady,” he grinned, wagged his eyebrows at Linden for good measure, and got to work. It didn’t take long for the saw to do the job - the top of the trunk wasn’t near as thick as the bottom, another good reason to cut that end.

Problem was, he forgot to get Linden to hold the top piece, and when it let go it let go fast. He didn’t have time to grab it. Next thing he knew four feet of tree was falling five stories to the sidewalk below. “EIGHT!” he hollered out. Next thing, someone was shrieking. He peered down. Luckily the tree seemed to have narrowly missed the woman glaring up towards him.

“Sorry!” he shouted, then turned to Linden who had one hand over her mouth and was staring at him wide-eyed. “C’mon, help me get this inside before they figure out which apartment it came from.”

Still snickering behind her hand, Linden moved to help him drag the tree back in.

“What’d you holler eight for, anyways?” she asked as they set the tree in the stand and stood it up.

“You know, it’s that thing they yell in golf when the ball goes rogue. What?” he narrowed his eyes when Linden coughed.

“Pretty sure they yell ‘fore’.”

“Potato, Potahto, Linden. Now help me get the lights on this beauty.”

**********************************************************  
The tree looked ridiculous. Instead of tapering up to a nice top it had a nice, wide, full bottom with lots of beautiful, thick branches. And then it was a bit less wide but no less thick and full. And then it was a bit less wide again. And then it was…the angel. He’d had to stand Kalia on his shoulders for her to reach to put the angel on, and his little angel sure proud that she got to do it. And when he’d put her down he caught Linden watching them with an expression he’d never seen before on her face. It was almost like… he didn’t really know. Like she was charmed, or something. Or awestruck? He couldn’t put his finger on it. All he knew is it did something to his insides, made him feel all warm and squirmy, her looking at him like that.

  
“That is the strangest looking tree in the universe,” she commented, interrupting his attempts to dissect the current mood.

“But it’s our strange tree.”

“It’s the headless Christmas Tree!” Kalia chirped.

“Yup it is, little lady. The headless tree. Nobody’s had one of them before!” he exclaimed cheerfully.

“That’s cause everyone else buys a tree that will fit.” Linden rolled her eyes, back to poking fun at him. She was so predictable, and it gave him the perfect excuse to grab her around the waist with both hands and pull her into him for a smacking retaliatory kiss.

“You know,” he said against her lips, “I could go down and get the top. We could set it up in the bedroom and have our very own private Christmas tree.”

“No way. One tree’s enough,” Linden vetoed immediately.

“I want it in my room, daddy!” Kalia interrupted.

Unfortunately, when he went down to retrieve the rest of the tree, someone was already dragging it away. He recognized the man, though, and he knew the rest of his tree was going to a good cause.

“Hey, buddy!” he called out. The guy startled and dropped the tree, holding up his hands as he turned around.

“Hey, man, if it’s yours, I didn’t mean nothin’ by -”

“It’s yours,” he interrupted. “Merry Christmas!”

The guy gave him a nod, returned his Christmas greeting in a slightly stunned voice before picking up the tree and resuming his progress towards his own building. Holder wondered if their excess tree height was the difference between his kids having a tree and not having a tree. Hell, and wasn’t that an argument for buying an oversized beast every year?

*****************************************************  
“That tree do something illegal?” He couldn’t help but ask when he came out of Kalia’s room after tucking her in for the night, and found Linden leaning against the kitchen island, facing the tree, looking for all the world like she was staring down a perp in an interrogation room. She glanced at him, but didn’t say anything. So he wandered over to her and tugged at her arm a bit. “C’mere.”  
That made her shake her head. “There’s, like, all of five feet of living room left.”

“So? It’s worth it. Come on. Come check it.” He tugged again. Just when he was going to threaten to carry her, she finally budged. Once he had her in front of the tree, he tapped one of the ornaments he’d bought yesterday. It was a polar bear and a penguin, all curled up together sleeping. “You know what it means, right?”

“Honestly, Holder, I almost never know what you mean,” she rolled her eyes, and he chuckled.

“That’s what it means, you know. We’re an unlikely pair. But somehow, we just fit. And serendipity has to bring us together, because you tried to eat me for breakfast.”

“I did not!” she laughed.

“You did, Linden. So many times. It was your way or the highway, and I spent a lot of time on the highway,” he poked her in the ribs before slinging his arm around her shoulders.

“What makes you think we’re so unlikely?”

“Well, lets see. There’s the fact that when we met you were hours away from flying out of Seattle forever to marry another man. And the fact that I was a piece of shit tweaker who had barely been clean six months. And a dead girl brought us together. Not really...normal.”

“So that’s what the angel is for?” She reached out and poked at the angel, a pristine, pink-winged goddess encased in a thin crystal globe. Ethereal. Untouchable.

“For Rosie. And Bullet, maybe. Trish Seward. Kallie. And all the paths that crossed along our way. And for you, because you’re mine. But now the car,” he deflected quickly, because Linden looked a bit undone. “You can guess that one, I think.”

He was pleased when she even cracked a grin. “You and me in that stupid goddamned car. It didn’t have a bow on it, though.”

“Ah, well, not everything can be as it was.” And maybe that was a good thing. “This one…” he flicked the ornament so it swung. Two S’s all twined up together, with wreaths hanging off the top of each one. “Sarah and Stephen, all tangled up together like they were meant to be. Just like us. Or at least, like we seem to be every morning.”

She giggled. Actually giggled. “God, this tree is monstrous. What happened to the rest of it, anyways.”

“Disappointed I didn’t come back with it?”

“Grateful, actually.”

“Dave was takin’ it away when I got down there. He lives in one of the apartments a couple blocks down.” Low income housing. “I see him at the park sometime, he has two girls and a boy. Kayla, Jessie, and Sam. Jessie goes to school with Kalia, actually. His wife has cancer, so they don’t got much, what with her treatments and all.”

“So you let him take it.” Linden’s voice was all soft, her words more a statement than a question.

“Well, yeah. I mean, they didn’t ask for their struggles, y’know? And maybe that’s the reason why the devil in me decided to buy such a big tree. See, Linden?” He asked, poking at her again to break the seriousness of the mood, “It wasn’t just to get a reaction outta you. It was a higher power at work.”

She scoffed, but she leaned into him just a bit. He knew she was a softie. “And the toboggan?” She asked a moment later, switching the subject back to the ornaments-of-plenty. “We have zero history with toboggans.”

“Not yet,” he he argued. “That one is a symbol of our first Christmas together, and all of the things we did.”

“We haven’t tobogganed,” she pointed out.

He turned her towards him and looked down at her, catching her eye before he grinned widely. “What d’ya think we’re doing tomorrow, Linden?” He asked, enjoying the way her face shifted to apprehension. “You’re gonna love it,” he promised, reaching out to unplug the tree for the night. “Let’s go to bed.”

Five minutes later he walked into the bedroom to catch the exasperating woman moving their pillows to the foot of the bed. “Just what do you think you’re doing?” He sing-songed, trying to make himself look more intimidating with his hands on his hips. It obviously didn’t work because she just aimed a pointed look at the headboard and fluffed her pillow. Well, if that was how she wanted to play…

He rocked back on his heels, and then launched himself at her. He couldn’t quite decide between tickling her into submission or loving her into submission so he went with a random combination of each, wrestling them around until he had her where he wanted her. She was shaking with laughter when he kissed her.


	3. Step 3

The next morning when she woke up, Holder was still sleeping.  He was snoring softly, and his arms were wrapped around her like steel bands.  He’d slept like this - holding her near - since the very first night.    Funnily, it hadn’t become any less of what felt like a novelty.   And she remembered that first night like it was yesterday.  

_ It had been awkward, as they tried to figure out where they should be, what each one of them really wanted, without actually vocalizing it.  Things had been fine for most of the evening, as he caught her up on his life and asked her careful questions about hers.  But then, it was time to sleep, and she suddenly realized that contrary to what she had believed, the hardest part wasn’t getting out of her car outside of his work.  Unsure of what he really wanted, she had volunteered to go to a hotel.   _

_ “No way, Linden,” he had immediately vetoed.  “I asked you to stay and I meant it. You don’t need to go sleep in some hotel.”  He’d kept on babbling then, about knowing how overwhelming it must be for her, about how he knew that if she had thought about where she’d be sleeping that night it probably wouldn’t have been in Seattle, and definitely not with him.   _

_ “Your bed is pretty big,” she finally suggested, uncomfortable but taking pity on him and also finding his awkwardness endearing.  She hadn’t realized he’d been nervous about having her here until now.  And maybe he hadn’t been.   But really, he was right.  Being here with him had never been something she had really considered.  Never been something she thought would be possible.   It was overwhelming.  And daunting.  But she’d come this far, now...and it obviously mattered to him  _ **_a lot,_ ** _ so... _

_ It hadn’t been any less awkward, climbing into his bed with him.  And then even more disquieting lying there in the dark, wondering if she was too close?  If she should turn her back to him?  Face him?  She didn’t remember first nights with someone ever being so weird before.   _

_ “Linden,” Holder had broken the silence first, his voice filled with hesitation.  When she acknowledged him with a hum, because she didn’t quite trust her voice not to crack with all of the nervous energy she could barely contain, he continued, “Tell me if I’m overstepping, ok?”   And before she had had a chance to agree, he’d reached out and gathered her up into his arms, turning them so his front was to her back, her head resting in the crook of one of his elbows and his other arm lying over her ribs, hand resting just below her breasts.   She had sought his hand with hers, then matched her breathing to his, letting it lull her to sleep.    _

She smiled at the memory.   There hadn’t been a single night since that she didn’t sleep in his arms.  She should feel trapped, but she didn’t.  She just felt safe.   It wasn’t often she woke up first - usually she drifted awake to his hands caressing her back, or her hair, and she’d find him watching her, his eyes soft and warm.  Happy.   But when he was still sleeping, she got to sink closer into him, to enjoy the closeness in silence.  As she let her thoughts wander, she remembered another time she had woken first.  

_ It took a week before they did more than sleep.  But then one morning, she’d been awake before him. His  arm was around her, his hand cupping her breast under her shirt.  It felt good, too good.  By the time he woke up, she was arching against his hand, trying to increase the pressure, and her other hand had traveled down in an attempt to relieve the dull ache between her legs.   It hadn’t taken him long to realize what she was doing, and even less time to admonish her and take over.    _

And it had been good.  Incredible, even.  What Holder lacked in sophistication he more than made up for in how all-in he was.  He was fully invested in her pleasure.  And that hadn’t changed.  Not that first time, and not the many times that had come after.    This morning could be the same, she thought.  But it was trickier when Kalia was over, and she wasn’t quite ready to get caught naked.  And if he woke up, he would definitely be getting her naked in no time flat.  So as much as she’d like to lie there and savour being with Holder while he was unconscious and wouldn’t know she was doing it…she really needed to avoid being there when he woke up so that they wouldn’t get caught.   It had already almost happened once before, and she’d like to think she learned lessons easier nowadays than she used to.  

With that thought, she carefully untangled herself from Holder and slid from the bed.  He mumbled in his sleep, reaching for her.   She couldn’t resist kissing him once, softly, and shushing him.  Not something he’d ever catch her doing while he was awake, mind.  

“Love you, Sarah,” he mumbled, settling back into slumber.   Good, she thought practically, even as her mushy heart grew and made her want to crawl right back in with him and wake him up until he showed her how much he loved her.  

She made a pot of coffee then contemplated where she’d enjoy her first cup of the day.  Normally she curled up on the couch, leaning back into the comfiest part.  Problem was, the living room had been taken over by the jolly green monster.   She sank into the couch anyways and stared balefully at the tree. Here, she had thought that it was all of the Christmas music that was going to be the culprit that threw the season in her face.   That was nothing compared to the monstrosity that was their Christmas tree. It was pretty, though, she had to admit, in a totally unconventional kind of way.  Which suited them, she supposed.  And so many things about it were obvious displays of Holder’s thoughtfulness.    It made her feel all warm and fuzzy inside.  It terrified her. 

And there it was.  The honest truth.  Her biggest problem with the tree and Christmas this year was that every day, she was scared it would be the last day.  That she would get a taste of what Christmas could be like, and then find out it was a one-shot deal.  Or worse, that it wouldn’t even last until Christmas...that she’d wake up Christmas morning and find out it had all been some hopeless fantasy.  She knew Holder was the one who always stays, but what if she was wrong?  What if he changed his mind?  What if she screwed it up?  She didn’t know how to be in this kind of relationship.  Didn’t know what to do with someone who always stays. What would happen when they fought?  How was she supposed to react?  How would he react?  She didn’t know how to do normal couple things.  She thought she should probably talk to Holder about it.  Honesty, open communication, and all that.  But she was scared to, as well.    She was scared she wouldn’t like what he’d have to say.  

Needing a distraction from her own mind, her gaze traveled to the little tobogganing bears.  She really hoped Holder wasn’t serious about that particular activity.  It just seemed so…. She wasn’t sure.  Embarrassing, maybe?  Silly?  Non-Seattle-like?  How’d Holder come up with that idea, anyways?

She was startled from her musings by the subject of them clearing his throat.  “Penny for your thoughts,” Holder offered with a smile.

“They’re worth a lot more than a penny,” she quipped, making him laugh.   He wandered to the kitchen, poured himself a cup of coffee, and came to ease down beside her on the couch, slinging one arm over her shoulders.   It didn’t escape her notice that he was always touching her.   

“You looked like you were having some pretty deep thoughts,” he tried again after taking a sip of his drink.  “You gonna share?”

She inhaled, but then words wouldn’t come.  She wasn’t sure where to start.  How to start.  And then Kalia started chirping in the other room, saving her for the time being.  “Later,” she suggested.  And she gave into the urge to kiss him, leaning over to touch her lips gently to his.  “I love you,” she murmured as she settled back against the couch.   

“I’m hungry,” Kalia stated from the doorway.

“I guess I better feed my women, then,” Holder mused.  “What would you two like?”

“PepperJellyEggs!” Kalia shot off rapidfire, then ran for the kitchen.  “I’ll help!”  

“You got it, little lady.  Pepper Jelly Eggs coming right up,” Holder chuckled, pushing himself up from the couch.  When she went to get up and help, he pressed her back down with one hand on her shoulder.  “Chillax, Linden.  We gotcha.”  He punctuated his order with an easy kiss before jogging to the kitchen to save his refrigerator from his daughter.  

 

*******************************************************

 

“I thought you were joking,” she sighed, as Holder tried to rush them into winter clothes and out the door.  They’d barely finished cleaning up after their late breakfast or early lunch or whatever it was, before he had started poking them around and trying to get Kalia moving.   

“Why would you think that?” he asked her slyly, tossing his kid’s jacket at her.   

“Because.  There’s no snow in Seattle.” 

“There is at Snoqualmie.  I booked us in for 2 o’clock, so we really gotta get goin’.”

The hour drive was spent mostly with Kalia chattering along about everything she was going to do and who she was going to tube with first - because Holder had told her that she’d get to ride with them since she wasn’t quite big enough for her own tube just yet.   It kind of sent her back to a time when Jack was that age, and excited about the smallest things.  It had been so easy to keep him happy, back then.  Now he didn’t even want to spend Christmas with her.  

She gave her head a hard shake, trying to push the thought away.  You’re with Holder, she reminded herself, and he’s doing all these nice things for you.  She had to focus on that.  

“Hey,” Holder said softly, as if he sensed her mood.  “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” she smiled at him, hoping it didn’t look as tight as it felt.  Because nothing should be wrong.  

“Mmmhmm,” Holder hummed, then waited.  It was as if he figured if he waited her out she’d cave and tell him.   He’d never quite figured out that just because he always caved, didn’t mean she did.

“It’s nothing, really.  Just Jack,” she finally admitted when she couldn’t take it anymore.  It annoyed her a bit to hear herself admitting it.  Mostly because it meant Holder’s strategy was right.  

“Ah, he’s just a punk.”

Holder’s dismissal of Jack’s choices as punk-kid stupidity made her reach for his hand, wanting the contact with this man who was always there for her.  She brought it to her face, kissed his knuckles, then rubbed her cheek against the back of his hand before letting it drop into her lap.

“It’s not too late to do something else, you know,” she suggested hopefully a few minutes later as they passed a highway sign advertising Snoqualmie.   

“Why would we want to do that?”  Holder lifted the hand she was still holding until he could poke her in the chest with one curled up finger.  “I know that deep in here you can’t wait to go slidin’ down that hill.”  

“Is that what you think?” she queried, aiming for a mysterious tone.  She must have succeeded because Holder chuckled before resting their joined hands back in her lap.  

 

********************************************************************

 

“C’mon, Linden.  Whatcha got against tubing?” Holding was jostling her as she stared suspiciously at the hill they were supposed to slide down.  

“Well, it’s not tobogganing, for one,” she pointed out dryly.

“Sure it is.  Just with a tube.  Same thing, different vehicle.  Same idea.  Same fun.  Maybe more,” he mused.  “Try again.”

“It just seems to...juvenile.” she admitted. “But that’s not really surprising, I guess.  I’m hanging out with you, after all.”

She was aiming for a reaction, of course, and she got it  He pretended to collapse, clutching his chest.  “You wound me, woman!”  He groaned, increasing the theatrics to that of a dying man.    

She had to laugh.  “Come on, get up.  Let’s go, if you want to do this so badly.”  

“Let’s go!” Kalia bounced up and down, trying to tug him up.

“Don’t mind if I do!” he bounded back to his feet and shoved a tube at her before taking Kalia by the hand.  “C’mon, little lady.  Let’s show Sarah how it’s done.”

He pretty much threatened to shove her down the hill if she didn’t get in the tube, the first time.  Warned her that if she wasn’t at the bottom by the time they got back to the top, she’d be goin’ down whether she liked it or not.    She didn’t trust Holder not to make good on that threat, so she got in the damned tube in the next lane over, and followed Holder and his kid down the run.  Kalia’s shouts of joy drifted back to her the whole way down.  

They had a choice between riding back up, or walking back up the hill.  She chose to walk - good exercise since she wouldn’t be running today.   Holder took that in stride and joined her, with Kalia bouncing along all the way up the hill.   “I’m going with Sarah this time,” she declared, scrambling into her lap without waiting for approval.  Holder’s little girl was sunny and warm and sweet and open and had accepted Sarah as some sort of figure in her life immediately.   And she was vivacious - she shrieked with joy all the way down the hill.    By the time they got to the bottom Sarah’s ears were ringing, but the child’s happiness - and Holder’s - was contagious.  

“You two go back up, I’m gonna wait down here,” Holder suggested. 

“Why, daddy?” Kalia asked, scrunching up her little nose in confusion.  It was adorable.  

But where Kalia was confused, Sarah was suspicious.  “Yeah, why, Holder?”  She narrowed her eyes at him. 

“Cause I want a picture of my girls, that’s why.  Get goin’,” he demanded.  

With another futile protest that she made mostly just for the sake of protesting, Sarah let Kalia take her hand and drag her back up the hill.  Holder got his picture, and then she got to return the favor, pointing out that if she had to be in one, so did he.   

And then before she knew it, their two hours were up and they were returning the tubes and dragging a very tired little girl back towards her car.  “Bonus to walking up all those times,” Holder chuckled, “she’ll sleep like the dead tonight.”  He waggled his eyebrows at her.  She wanted to scowl at him on principle, but her lips curved into a smile instead.   She just hoped that they weren’t too tired for Holder to keep the salacious promise that was lighting up his eyes.  

 

***************************************************************************

 

She’d gone to bed by the time she remembered the pictures on Holder’s phone.   She was sitting propped up against the headboard in one of Holder’s t-shirts, waiting for him to finish locking down the apartment - a task he performed almost obsessively every night.   Then she knew he’d check in on Kalia, who’d passed out some twenty minutes before.  His phone beeped and the screen lit up, catching her eye.  He’d set his new picture as his lock screen.  Curious, she reached over to grab his phone, unlocked it, then settled back to scroll through the pictures.  

“Find anything interesting?” Holder asked from the doorway.  She looked up quickly and was relieved to see that he was amused.   She always had access to his phone but had never just taken it to go through.

“This doesn’t even look like me,” she commented, her attention going back to the picture on her screen.  Her and Kalia.  She narrowed her eyes at it.  She didn’t recognize the woman in the picture at all.  

Holder slid onto the bed beside her and leaned over to peer at the picture.  “Sure it does,” he said easily. “That’s what you look like, when you’re happy.”  

She glanced up at him sharply and the look on his face as he gazed down at the picture on his phone made her chest so tight her breath caught.  She couldn’t even put his expression into words.

“Holder,” she whispered when she could get her voice to work again.   

He scanned her face and offered her a smile full of tenderness.  “I hope,” he started, trailing a finger down her cheek, “that someday soon you’ll recognize yourself without the weight of the world on your shoulders.”   Gently, he took his phone from her and set it back on the nightstand before settling back beside her and draping an arm over her shoulders.  

“Holder,” she said again after a few minutes of easy silence.

“Hmm?”  

“Aren’t you forgetting something?”

“Don’t think so,” he replied a minute later after his finger tapped against her other arm a few times, as if he was mentally ticking off his bedtime routine.   She shot him a look, caught his eye, and pointed up.   She hadn’t parked herself strategically under his stupid mistletoe for nothing, after all.

He followed her finger and his face lit up with amusement.  “Oh, so now you’re playin’ along,” he said knowingly, then slowly moved in, almost kissing her but not quite, teasing.  Exasperating man was doing it on purpose, she decided.  Unwilling to wait, she reached for the waistband of his boxers and tugged.  When he started to shift overtop of her she helped him along, wrapping her legs around his waist and arching up against him at the same time as she reached up to pull his head down so she could kiss him.  He reached out to turn out the lamp with one hand, and the other found its way under her shirt.  The mistletoe could stay, she thought as his hands worked magic on her body, making her gasp and arch against him.  And then she couldn’t think at all.


	4. Step 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which the rating change becomes official. Still not sure how that happened. Certainly wasn't what I planned when I started this runaway train. 
> 
> Disclaimer: I'm just making shit up as I go....officially!!!!! 
> 
> Rating officially M. Maybe E. I'm not really sure.

Holder was exhausted by the time he locked up the center up and headed for home.  He was gettin’ too old to keep up, he supposed.  It had been an eventful three days, and today was definitely a Monday to defy all Mondays.  There was just something about Christmas that addicts struggled with.   Some thought it was the availability of alcohol and whatnot at parties, but really what it was was the overabundance of joy and happiness that they never quite felt like they were a part of.   

He knew that, because he knew the feeling well.  And he knew that’s why Linden struggled with the season.   Which was why he’d devised this 12 step plan to help her realize that she  **was** a part of it now.   Problem was, after 3 days he was bone tired.  Not just from the Christmas activities, mind.  Their extra-curriculars kind of ate up a reasonable allotment of his valuable sleep time.  

It had been like that from the first time they finally did more than sleep, he recalled.  It had been so damned good, sliding into her.   From the very first, he couldn’t get enough of her.  And it turned out 1-900-Linden was insatiable herself.   She’d been back for three months now, and still they mostly fucked like rabbits.  God, he loved her for it too.  

But tonight, he thought, they were just gonna sleep.  But not until after Operation Christmas Cheer, Step 4.    If he didn’t pass out first, that is.

He wasn’t surprised when he found the apartment empty.  She usually worked at the docks on Monday’s.  She still hadn’t found a regular job - but she picked up odd jobs to keep herself busy and helped Regi out some.  And that was ok, he figured.   She needed to find a job she wanted as a career, something that would fulfill her.  He understood that.  But he worried sometimes, that her continued random jobs weren’t just a placeholder until she found what she really wanted to do...but more a placeholder while she tried to  decide if she was even stayin’.   And that scared him.  He was trying to just give her space, take it one day at a time, but it was making him edgy.  Especially after Jack had pointedly reminded him that Linden “never stays.”  Or at least, never had before.

“There’s always a first time,” he reminded himself out loud as he heard a key rattle in the door.  

“First time for what?”  

“Ah, nothin’, Linden.  Just talking to myself.”  He wandered over to take some grocery bags from her, dropping a quick kiss on her mouth as he did.   He’d barely gotten them to the counter before she’d slid into his arms and burrowed into his chest, making a soft noise of contentment.  

“I’m so tired,” she whispered a moment later.  “Wanna order in?”  

“Nah.  Let’s go out.  Get some quality grub and go for a walk through Gene Coulon Memorial to check out the Christmas lights.”  

At that, she pulled away from him and looked up at her, her eyebrows furrowed.  “Holder,” she started, and her eyebrows drew together more, as if she was unsure how to proceed.  She was bloody adorable.  “We don’t have to do something every day.”

“Sure we do.  Cause someone needs to find her Christmas spirit,” he grinned at her, tapping her on the nose with one finger.  “‘Sides,” he shrugged, “I like spending time with you.”

“We can do that here,” she suggested, sounding a bit frustrated.  “I’m just happy to be here with you for Christmas, no matter what we do.”  

“Well then you’ll enjoy our trip through the park, right?  C’mon, it’s a lovely night for a walk.” 

She wrinkled her nose, which made him want to kiss her.   “It’s going to rain,” she disagreed.  

“Nice try, mama.  C’mon.  Where d’ya want to go eat?”   Before she could protest further, he turned her around and tugged her out the door, grabbing his jacket and key’s on the way.  

 

*****************************************************

 

“The lights are going to give me a migraine,” Sarah was already complaining as they started the walk around the mile loop of Ivar’s Clam lights.  “They’re practically psychedelic.”  

“I think the only psyche-anything around here is you, woman.  But you do have good taste in food.”  Linden had declared that if they were going to go to bloody Kenton to look at lights, they might as well enjoy Ivar’s Seafood Bar while they were there.   It was a good choice.    Plus, he was pretty sure she was just trying to get a rise out of him with her complaining, because she was looking around with a fair bit of interest.  The best part was that as soon as they’d started out down the path, she’d tucked her hand into his.  

Tired or not, he was glad they’d come.  He’d never had someone to share these things with, and walking the park’s loop hand in hand with his woman, with  **this** woman, was just the best.  Even if she was overflowing with pessimism.

“It’s going to rain,” she was saying again.  

“Is not,” he disagreed.  “Stop bein’ so cynical and just enjoy this beautiful night,” he demanded.  He squeezed her hand as he said it though, so she’d know that he wasn’t bothered.  

“I felt a raindrop,” she insisted.  “See? And there’s another one.  It’s raining, Holder.”

“Nah, it’s just condensation from the lights and trees on account of how warm it is tonight.”  

“It’s rain,” the stubborn woman disagreed, as a raindrop landed on his cheek.  Figured she’d be right.

“It’s just a little drizzle,” he amended.  “No big deal.  It’s Seattle, afterall.  So now we can have a true seattle experience.  Ivar’s lights, and a wee spot of rain to make it authentic.”

They’d made it halfway around the loop when the “wee spot of rain” starting to come down in earnest, and quickly turned into a downpour.   Naturally it would do that when they were a full half mile from the car.   His luck always ran that way.  So of course, his smart-mouthed woman just had to start laughing at him, sing-songing “I told you so,” and dancing a circle around him in total un-Linden-like fashion, poking fun at him.   In retaliation, he snaked an arm out and captured her against him.

“Let me go,” she demanded, but he was too busy enjoying the way she was squirming against him laughing as she half-heartedly struggled to get away, to oblige.  

“You know what happens to know-it-all women who act all superior when they’re right, don’tcha?” He asked, trying to make himself sound threatening.  He was pretty sure he was failing, though, by the way she rolled her eyes and kept laughing at him.   “They gotta get kissed into submission.  In the rain.”  

Quickly, before she could react, he kissed her.  She struggled for about two seconds before she pressed herself closer to him and kissed him back hungrily.  She was just that easy, and he was gonna enjoy teasing her about it later. 

“My jacket isn’t waterproof,” she sighed a minute later, kissing the corner of his mouth one more time as she stepped back.  He let her, because she was right, and they were getting soaked.  

“Mine either,” he grinned wryly.  “It is what it is.”  They hurried a bit, because of it, but still took the time to enjoy the view.  

“The lights are pretty in the rain.  They sparkle more.”  Linden voice was soft as she made this observation.  They were almost at the end of the loop.  They were soaked to the skin and he could feel her shivering beside him.  He slid one arm around her back, tucking her closer to him as they walked.  

“Almost makes this rotten rain worth it, don’t it?”  

 

*********************************************************

 

“Omigod, I can’t wait to get into a hot shower.  I feel like I’m never gonna get warm.”  Linden’s teeth were chattering as he unlocked the door and they tumbled into the apartment, still soaked to the skin.    

He managed to strip before Linden’s shaking fingers had even gotten her shirt off.  “I’ll go start the shower,” he told her, and ducked into the bathroom with a quick detour on the way.   

She was still in her bra, and struggling with her jeans when he went back out to check on her.   “Jesus, woman.  You’re blue!”   He tugged her trembling hands away from her jeans and peeled her out of them.  To hurry things up he helped her with the rest, too.   “Come on,” he muttered once he had her naked, tugging her towards the bathroom.  “Shower’s waiting.”  

He’d intended their evening walk to be Christmasy and fun.   Instead, while she had actually seemed to enjoy the walk itself despite herself and the rain, she’d gotten quiet and more withdrawn on the way home.  He guessed ‘cause she was so chilled. He hadn’t intended to harm her, but here she was, way colder than him.   He hadn’t considered her smaller body mass being less heat efficient.  But now, her skin was tinged blue and she was shivering uncontrollably and she hissed when he helped her into the tub.  

“Too hot,” she breathed, shrinking away from the spray.   But the water was only on the tepid side of warm.     

He folded her into his arms, holding her tightly against him, hoping that what body heat he had would help her.  Then he stepped backwards until they were both immersed under the shower.  As soon as the water touched her again she whimpered and went stiff in his arms.  “Give it a minute.  It’s not that hot,” he murmured, tightening his hold when she tried to pull back.  He kept one arm locked around her and let the other rub up and down her arm, and her back.  Slowly, her body relaxed and melted into his.  “Better?” he asked, and when she made a noise of assent he let out a breath.  “I’m sorry.  We shouldn’t have gone out.  I shoulda listened about the rain.”   
  
“What?” She pulled away from him and peered up at him. “No.  It’s fine. It’s not the first time I’ve been caught in the rain.”  

“I didn’t mean for it to be like that.  Didn’t want ta hurt you,” he admitted, his eyes ducking away because he couldn’t quite bear to look at her.  

“Holder.  Seriously.  It was actually kind of fun.  And It’s not like I’ll melt.” She shivered once, before tucking herself back in against him, her arms around his waist.  “Can you make it warmer?” 

“Besides,” she continued wryly a moment after he’d adjusted the water temperature, her voice muffled by his chest, “It’s not every day I get to say I told you so.”  

He chuckled.  He couldn’t help it.  “Maybe not,” he conceded.   

“It was really pretty out there,” she admitted, shifting to look up at him.  He met her eyes for a second, and then her gaze slid away and her expression changed to one of disbelief.  “Seriously, Holder?”

“What?”  He followed her narrow-eyed stare, and grinned.  “Who says it was me?”

“Who else would it be?”

“I dunno.  You, maybe?  You left after me, this morning,” he reminded her.

“It was. Not. Me,” she enunciated, her focus shifting to fixate on his face.   “It’s  **_your_ ** mistletoe.”

His grin widened to his ears.  He couldn’t help it.  She was damned adorable when she was ornery.  Hanging a mistletoe on the shower head had been genius. “Well, Linden.  You know what to do now, don’tcha?”

She huffed in annoyance and shoved herself towards him to give him a quick, half-hearted peck on the side of his mouth.  When she was done she glared at him, full of defiance.  She had shit for a poker face, though, and the little light of amusement twinkling in one eye totally gave her away. 

“Try again.  Mean it this time,” he ordered, trying to sound commanding.  When her eyes narrowed further he added, “Or do you need a demonstration on how it’s done?”  

He knew she couldn’t resist the challenge, and he was right.  The gleam in her eye turned calculating, and that along with the impish way her lips curled up at the corners made his dick harden before she even touched him.   Apparently he wasn’t too tired for extracurricular activities after all.  Her smile turned evil when she noticed.

“You wanna play?”  She whispered, trailing one finger up his rib cage.   He had to concentrate to stop his skin from quivering at her touch.   Then she was on her tippy toes, twining her body around his, her lips a hair's breadth away from his but not touching them. “Are you sure?”   

Every whispered word, every tantalizing slither of her body against his, was a promise that didn’t quite deliver.   He was in a bad way over it, and he knew that the little minx knew it.  “What goes around comes around,” he reminded her hoarsely.  

She chuckled, low in her throat.  “I can take it.  Can you?”  And then her hand was cupping his balls and she raked her nails across his skin - gently but it still made him hiss and buck his hips against her, as her mouth pressed into his.  This wasn’t a quick gentle kiss - no - this time she kissed him deeply, her tongue tangling with his.  She let go of his balls and her arms snaked their way over his shoulders and around his neck, giving her the leverage she needed to lift herself up and wrap her legs around his waist.  Fuck, he wasn’t going to make it.  

He deepened the kiss, letting his tongue demonstrate what he really wanted to be doing to her.  When she exhaled hard into his mouth and pressed closer, he realized that he just had to shift the teeniest bit and he could easily be inside her.  Just like that.  

Unfortunately, when he tried, she unwrapped her legs from around his waist and dropped back to her feet, stepping away.  Her breaths were ragged, her eyes a smokey grey, and when she tried to offer him another sultry grin it fell short, quivering.  

“No,” she shook her head as he reached for her, intent on taking over.  “Not yet.”

“Now.” 

He shut the water off in one motion and stepped out of the tub, because he knew that she was too slippery for him to get where he wanted as long as they were under the shower.  

“Holder don’t you dare!” Her half-threat came out on a peal of breathless laughter as he grabbed her.   

“You wanted to play,” he rasped in her ear, nipping her earlobe gently in his teeth as he carried her to the bed.  She hissed and squirmed against him, and the trip to a horizontal surface had never felt longer.   

He didn’t waste time on ceremony; He just dropped her on the bed, tugged her to the edge, and drove into her.  Beyond the point of slow and sweet, he set a hard, fast rhythm that she seemed to want as much as he did by the way she was meeting him.  Her breath was coming out in ragged gasps, and his was trapped somewhere between his stomach and his throat, it was so perfect.  

“Oh fuck, Sarah,” he groaned, trying to slow down now because he wasn’t going to last.  But then her body went tight like a bow string, arching off the bed as she let out a keening cry, and he was lost.  He increased his speed, fucking her hard through it all, watching her body as she came undone in wave after wave.  Just as she started to relax, he fell over the edge after her and then she was convulsing around him again, and he came so hard he couldn’t even see, and it had never been more incredible.  

Somehow he’d managed to tumble to the bed, half on her, half beside her.   Her hand was limp on his back, her entire body quivering.  He was useless.  They’d just lie like this for a minute, he decided.  And then maybe he’d be able to move off of her before he squished her.   

It took more than a minute.  They might have fallen asleep like that, except somewhere in his subconscious mind he recognized that he didn’t want Sarah to get chilled again. She still seemed incapable of moving, so he rolled off of her and dug deep for the energy to shuffle them around until they were lying the right way on the bed and under the blankets.  She burrowed into him and sighed.   “It just keeps getting better,” she said faintly, her voice floating up from somewhere under his chin.  

“It’s gotta level off sometime,” he muttered.  “If it gets any better it’s likely to kill us.”  

She huffed out an amused breath at that, and then her body went slack against him as her breathing leveled off into sleep.   One thing he’d learned about Linden, she slept better after sex.  It was something he used to his advantage, when he needed to get her to rest up.   He used one arm to tuck the blankets tighter around them, and then closed his eyes, letting the rise and fall of her chest lull him to oblivion.

He was almost there when he realized there were still lights on in the apartment.  And he couldn’t remember if he locked up.  Sighing, he untangled himself from Linden, barely able to muster up the energy to do even that.  Fuck, he was tired.   As he slid from the bed she jerked and shifted restlessly, seeking him.  

“No,” she mumbled.  “Holder, please.  Please don’t leave me.”  She wasn’t awake, he didn’t think, but the distress in her voice increased.  

“Hey… Shhhh,” he touched her shoulder, and when that didn’t help, he tucked the blankets tighter around her and leaned over her, getting as close to her as he could without getting back into the bed. “I’m right here. I’m just going to lock up the apartment.  I’m not leaving you.”  

She whimpered in her sleep, and he really wanted to hold her until she settled, but he knew that if he crawled back into the bed he wouldn’t make it out again.   So he just waited a minute until her distress lessened, then he forced himself to get moving.  “I’ll be right back,” he whispered, brushing a knuckle over her cheek.  

He made short work of shutting the place down.  Lock the door, kill the lights, and dump their puddle of clothes into the bathtub to deal with in the morning.   He checked things off systematically in his mind as he did them, then stumbled back to the bed, trying to fight off the strange, uneasy feeling that Sarah’s subconscious upset has left behind.  As he slid under the covers beside her, she sighed and shifted, her body relaxing against his once more.  But it did little to assuage the tiny thread of fear that had wound its way into his heart.  It hurt, that she’d still doubt him after everything.  But he knew it wasn’t her fault, it was just how she was.  He tightened his hold on her, kissed the top of her still-wet head, and waited for his mind to settle and sleep to come.


	5. Step 5

She was just turning the stove to low when Holder came through the door, kicking it shut behind him as he shrugged out of his jacket.   

“Something smells damn good,” he sniffed appreciatively before beelining to her like he always did when he came home.  “I love it when my woman cooks me dinner!”

“It’s not tofu,” she warned him, snaking her arms around his neck to meet the kiss she knew was coming.  

He chuckled against her lips.  “You and my kid, always defying the temple,” he teased.    She rested her head against his chest and pressed herself closer to him, breathing in his scent and enjoying the way his arms tightened around her in response.  It felt so right, being here like this.  And he never seemed to be in any hurry to let her go.  

Finally he did, though, stepping back and grinning down at her.  “I’m starved, mama.  Ready to eat?”    In true Holder fashion, he helped her finish up - taking plates down from the cupboard and digging out the cutlery.   It was just a simple chicken stir fry, but that didn’t stop Holder from sampling it out of the pan and humming with appreciation.   She rolled her eyes at him, but secretly was pleased with his blatant appreciation of something as simple as her cooking dinner.   Even if it was something simple.  And even if she wouldn’t cook tofu or lentils - which she staunchly refused to do.  

They dished up, and Holder wandered to the living room and sank down into the couch, patting the seat beside him.  As she settled in beside him with her food, he flipped through channels before settling on Discovery.  Shark week, she remembered.

“Ooooh, look.  Great white’s.  It’s gonna be an aquatic murder mystery, Linden,” Holder stated cheerfully.  “Who ate baby beluga,” he chortled around a mouthful of food. He’d already shifted the television so that they could see it around the Christmas tree.  

“Thanks for that visual,” she rolled her eyes at him.  “It goes great with supper.”   

Holder just chuckled, and shoved more food into his mouth.   As they ate, with Holder occasionally commenting or sniggering  about something on his shark show, she let her mind wander.  She wondered what activity he had planned for them tonight.  Underneath all of the apprehension that went with never quite knowing what to expect from Holder, she was actually kind of looking forward to finding out.  It surprised her, a bit.   Holder seemed unhurried, though - taking a second helping of food, and not rushing through it, either.   

When they were both done, he pushed himself up and took her plate from her, shoving all of the dishes in the dishwasher.   Now, she figured, watching him out of the corner of her eye.  Now she’d find out what kind of thing he was going to subject her to tonight.  She took a breath and steeled herself, telling herself that what she was feeling was just apprehension, not anticipation.  

She almost had herself convinced, except she couldn’t persuade herself that what she felt was relief when he sank back down beside her on the couch and slung an arm over her shoulder, putting just enough pressure on it to tip her into him a bit.   No, she could not mistake the disappointment or delude herself into believing it was relief.   As a shark snaked into a school of fish, jaws wide open, she wondered if she’d complained too much, been too difficult about it all.  Maybe Holder had given up on her, on this thing he was trying to do for her.   The thought made her sad.   

“What’s wrong?”  Holder asked as the show flipped to a commercial.  

“Nothing,” she offered him a smile.  She didn’t want to ask, not really - she was pretty sure he’d gloat forever if she did.  And mostly, she didn’t want to be the whiny, demanding girl who expected something fancy every night.   But she was starting to enjoy seeing what Holder was going to come up with for her, and she couldn’t fight back the dreadful feeling that she had ruined it all, somehow.   

“You’re awfully quiet,” he commented.  “Even for you.”  

She laughed through her nose, a quick exhale, and shrugged.  “Just tired, I guess.”  

His arm tightened around her for a second, hugging her against him.  She opened her mouth, almost told him, but snapped it shut first.  She didn’t want to complain about not doing anything.  Not when he’d been so generous.   And she didn’t necessarily want him to know it bothered her.  In case it drove him to come up with something extra outrageous tomorrow.   She knew better to trust him on that one.  

She was so distracted by her thoughts that she didn’t even realize the show had finished until Holder was unfolding himself from the couch.   The loss of his body heat made her feel immediately chilled, but also invigorated.  Now, she figured, he’d start poking her to get up and drag her off to whatever thing he had planned.

But he just got them a drink and joined her back on the couch.  “Do you want to watch a movie?  Something else?”  He asked, offering her the remote.

“Whatever you want,” she told him.  It didn’t matter to her, not really.  She reminded herself of what she’d told him yesterday:  That she was just happy to be with him.  It was true, and it was enough.  

***************************************************

It was close to nine when the third shark show ended.  “I’m going to go take a shower,” she told him, slipping out from under his arm.   She was tired and having a hard time pushing back the feeling that she’d broken it - this thing Holder was doing for her.  He squeezed her hand before letting it go, but stayed silent.  And he didn’t move to get up and join her.  

Her dejection grew when she stepped into the shower and spotted the mistletoe, still dangling from the shower head.   He’d seemed a bit distant and distracted too, tonight, she reflected as she tried to ignore the fact that there was quality mistletoe in there - Holder’s current favorite thing - and yet he wasn’t showing up to enjoy it.  Maybe he was getting tired of trying, she considered.  It made her heart twist and drop two feet down into her stomach.  Bile rose in her throat as that thought took hold and grew little roots.   First they stop trying, and then they leave.  She should have known it was too good to be true.  

She’d managed to push back the threatening tears by the time she’d shut the water off, but the disappointment still weighed, following her as she headed back out.  The apartment was dark - which she supposed meant Holder had gone to bed.  She could see the lights from the tree and considered unplugging it for a second, before deciding that if Holder left it on, he must want it to stay that way.   

Maybe he was just tired, she told herself as she headed into the bedroom. Maybe it wasn’t her after all.  She didn’t really believe that, but maybe she could ---

She stopped short when she realized that not only was the bedroom empty of Holder, it was empty of all of their bedding.   The only thing left on the bed was the fitted sheet.

“Holder,” she called out as she headed out of the bedroom, “you’re really weird, you know.  Did you have to decide to wash our sheets at nine at night? And you forgot the fitted sheet.”   She peered around, confused, not understanding why the apartment was dark if Holder wasn’t in bed.  

“Not washing the sheets, woman.  Just rearranging them.  C’mere.”  Holder’s voice floated up from somewhere in the living room.  

She looked around the room, confused.  He wasn’t on the couch or anywhere she could see.  

“Sarah,” he sighed, and she followed his voice down.   And there was Holder - along with every blanket, pillow, and cushion they owned - practically under the tree.   When their eyes met, he grinned.  “Ever make love under a Christmas tree before?”  

“What? Are you on something?” she asked before she could stop her mouth from spewing out her thoughts.   Instead of taking offense, his grin widened and he reached an arm out towards her.  “No,” she shook her head, laughter bubbling up in her throat.  “Why do you have to be so weird?”

“Because.  It’s fun.  Come onnnnn, Linden,” he weedled, wiggling his fingers towards her.  

Shaking her head in disbelief, she wandered over and laughed nervously as she dropped to the floor beside him.  He helped her into his messy nest and tucked a blanket around her.  It was surprisingly comfortable.  And he was naked, she noted with interest.  But it also made her nervous, and she let out another uncomfortable laugh as met his eye.  “This is probably a fire hazard,” she couldn’t help blurting out, deflecting from the real issue: her relief that he was doing something and her fear that he’d notice that reassurance.

“Nope, not at all,” he chuckled, sliding his hand up under her shirt and slipping it over her head, “Perfectly safe.”  

Once he had her naked, he framed her face in his hands and looked down at her, his gaze probing.  “You didn’t think I’d forgot our day’s activity, did you?” He asked gently, and she cursed his unnatural ability of reading her thoughts.  She wished she had a quick comeback, but she didn’t.  So she just took matters into her own hands, grabbed him by the ears and tugged him down to kiss him.  

“Demanding,” he teased between kisses.  She huffed and slid her tongue into his mouth to shut him up, shifting to get closer to him.  She didn’t know what it was about Holder, but everyday she wanted him more.  Wanted this more.  His hand slid up her body and over her breast, tweaking one nipple gently in between his fingers.  And he was ready - she could feel him hard against her hip.  She shifted closer, trying to pull him in, to help him slide inside of her.  

“Ah ah ah, miss impatient,” he teased, pulling back and pressing her shoulder down to keep her on her back when she tried to follow him.  “Not yet.”  

“You’re a fucking tease,” she complained, struggling to sit up and follow him.  

“Takes one to know one, one-nine-hundred,” he chuckled, sliding his hand from her shoulder, over her breast, and then down her rib cage.  His fingers teased along her pelvic bone for a minute, and then he leaned down again and kissed her.  His tongue slid forward to tangle with hers at the same time as he slid one (maybe two, she couldn’t quite keep her wits together enough to tell) finger inside of her and curled it - or them - slightly, making her gasp.  

He was still teasing  - almost, but not quite, getting to the places she needed him to get to.   She kissed him back hard, trying to force the issue, but he just moved away from her mouth and trailed kisses down her jawbone, her neck, her collarbone - keeping her firmly under his control.  It wasn’t fair.  She was going to get him ba---

Her train of thought was lost as he kissed his way down her breast, nipping at tender skin, then suckling in just the right spot.  “Ohhh, Ohhhhh,” she gasped, letting her head fall back and arching up to his mouth and to his hand and desperately trying to get him to just. Get. There.  

And he did.  Eventually.  When she was nearly coming apart from desperation and letting out mewling cries that sounded foreign to her own ears, he finally pulled back a bit, looked down at her, and let her have what she’d been begging for.  

When it hit her, it hit hard and in wave after wave of heat and pleasure that didn’t seem to end.  She arched against his hand, her eyes wanting to close, so all she had to do was feel, but she couldn’t look away from the expression of wonder and amazement on Holder’s beautiful face as he hovered over her, watching.   And then just when she thought she couldn’t take anymore, Holder took his hand away, wrapped his arms around her and rolled until she was on top of him, and he was helping her slide onto him, and a new wave hit her as he started to move.  She couldn’t do anything but feel, and all she could see were stars - millions of green and yellow and purple and blue and red little stars flickering over Holder and the room, brighter than anything.  

She couldn’t hold herself up anymore, so she let herself collapse down against him, letting him do the work while his heart thudded like the little drummer boy against her ear.  It took him no time at all to follow her, and a new wave of heat hit her as he came, groaning, holding her tightly against him.  

She couldn’t stop trembling.  It was her first conscious thought in over a minute.  And she couldn’t move.  Couldn’t even feel her legs, she didn’t think.  “I think you broke me,” she groaned.  Holder’s hand rubbed up her back gently, then his fingers massaged into her neck.  

“Pretty sure that’s the other way around,” he countered, his speech almost slurred.   He shifted, and she felt blankets come up over her before his arm wrapped around her again, keeping her cradled close to him.  His heartbeat was steady in her ear and she sighed, burrowing in against him, basking in his warmth.  Her last conscious thought was that tonight’s activity was definitely worth the wait.


	6. Step 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Merry Christmas, Everyone. This is only about the halfway part of the story. I can either leave the rest for next year, or I can continue posting and you can all just read about Christmas for another couple weeks.
> 
> Also note: Somehow the archive mixed up my chapter order. It should now be fixed. Sorry for the confusion - I was/am very confused!

“Let’s go, daddy!”  Kalia had barely made in it in the door before she was bouncing on one foot, trying to drag him by the hand.   “Let’s go, Sarah!” she shouted.  They were off to the mall to see Santa, since he had Kalia tonight while Caroline went to a client’s Christmas function.  

“I think this is a daddy daughter trip,” his exasperating woman told his little girl, from where she was leaning against the kitchen counter, arms crossed, an amused little smile on her face.  

“Nuh uh, Linden.  This is a  **_family_ ** trip.”  

“Yeah!  Family trip!  Let’s go Sarah!” Kalia demanded. Then she stopped jumping up and down, and when he looked away from Linden’s annoyed face to see what was up, he found his daughter staring at him quizzically.   “Daddy?  What’s a Linden?”  

Linden coughed.

“Well,” he said, “It’s one of Sarah’s names.”  

“Should I call her Linden too?”

“Or Cou--” he was interrupted by Linden, who had moved like a cat and slapped a hand over his mouth.  Which kinda sucked because he knew calling her a cougar would get a rise out of her.

“You should just call me Sarah,” she told Kalia gently, then pinched him only half-gently as she let her hand drop from his face before reaching up to kiss him.   “Inappropriate for a five year old.  She’ll repeat it forever even if you tell her not too,” she hissed at him as her mouth touched his.  It was a good point - one he hadn’t thought of while he was busy riding his ‘ _ hassle Linden’ _ high.   

“Good save,” he admitted against her lips as an apology of sorts, then he crooked an arm around her neck and headed towards the door.  “Can’t keep Santa waiting,” he commented, as Kalia shouted with glee.  

********************************************************

He could feel Linden’s apprehension as they walked down the mall, Kalia skipping between them with one hand each of theirs as she itemized all of the things she was going to ask Santa for.   

“What is it?” he asked quietly, while his daughter rambled on.  He watched her out of the corner of one eye as she took a breath - a quick, sharp inhale and then let it out equally fast.  

Then she shrugged.  “I don’t know,” she admitted.  “It’s just… are you really ok with her sitting on some strange man’s lap?”  

“Why not?” he shrugged.  “I mean… didn’t Jack do it when he was little?”

“Well, yeah, he did.  It’s just-” she paused, took another measured breath.  “That was before… Before all of the things we’ve seen.”  

He got it, he really did.  But how could he deny his kid this thing that all other kids got to do?  “I know,” he started, then paused to weigh his words, leaning in close to murmur in his ear, grateful that Kalia wouldn’t be taking a breath for a good five more minutes.  “We saw the worst of humanity. But we can’t let that take away from the beauty in the world.  We have to believe there’s some magic.  And this guy… he isn’t gonna know where Kalia lives, or who she is, or anything.  And we’re gonna be right there. And she wouldn’t recognize him outside of the suit, so it’s like she would trust him more than any other stranger.  You got it, little lady,” he switched when Kalia stopped talking for a minute.  “You can ask him for all those things, if you want.  But remember, he’ll probably only bring you one or two.”  

“Also,” he whispered to Linden when Kalia went on another tangent, “there’s a reason we came all the way here, even though we passed two malls on the way.   This place background checks their people.”  

She offered him a close mouthed laugh, then, and her eye softened as she looked over at him.  “I should have known you’d think of that,” she admitted.   “Sorry.” 

“It ain’t no thing.  You were looking out for my little girl.”  And the truth of that made his heart feel like it was going to burst.  And once they were in line, he took a minute to let go of his daughter’s hand and give her a brief one-armed hug, savouring the feel of her small frame in his embrace.  He was glad she hadn’t put up a big fuss about coming - not just because he wanted to impress upon her how much she was a part of this family, but also because he wanted to experience what it was like, taking your kid to see Santa as a family.  Not as him taking his kid as a single dad.  And not as him and Caroline as co-parents.  And it felt right, having his woman by his side and his kid chattering away beside them.  Her step-kid, really, even though he knew she wasn’t quite ready to see it that way.  

“What did you ask Santa for when you were little, Sarah?” Kalia was asking.  His lack of attention to the conversation meant he was too slow on the draw to deflect her question, and he felt Linden’s breath catch underneath the hand he still had resting on her back.   

“It was so long ago, I don’t really remember,” she told his little girl.   “And all the toys were different back then.”  

Kalia accepted that answer and went back to chattering about the elves and the workshop and how does Santa’s sleigh fit allllllll the toys for the year?  

“Magic,” he told her.  “Everything shrinks when it’s in the sleigh, and then when Santa delivers one he can magically make it come back to normal size by taking it from the sleigh and blowing on it,” he improvised.    

“How come Santa doesn’t bring mommies and daddies stuff?”  

Linden opened her mouth to answer and he had to act fast, because he just knew she was going to say something logical and un-magical like it wouldn’t fit in the sleigh, or Santa’s workshop was too small to make grown up things or some other normal sensible shit thing.  “Because,” he started, then paused uncomfortably while he improvised because he really hadn’t thought before opening his mouth, “He does get adults things too, actually.  Just not every year.”

“Like what, daddy?”  He should have known his daughter’s incessant curiosity would cause him problems.   

“Well,” he hedged.  What the fuck was he supposed to say?  He thought about that song, the grown up Christmas list one, and fuck, even that didn’t help him.  “He brings them special things - the things they wish for most in the world.”  

“What are you going to ask for?” 

He shook his head, kneeling down and adjusting Kalia’s jacket.  “I don’t need to ask for anything. I already got the things I wanted most in the world.”

“What!” Kalia exclaimed.  “What are they!”  

“You.”

“Nooooo, I came to you in September!  On my birthday!”  

“Sometimes Santa gives grown ups their presents early.   September was my month,” he improvised.  Kalia had definitely inherited his curious nature and while normally it charmed him, sometimes it was real hard to keep up and find answers that would satisfy her.  As she opened her mouth to ask another question, he continued rather than let her, “‘cause in September I got you, and I got Sarah.”   He rubbed his nose against hers as the little girl giggled, and then he looked up at Linden with a smile, only to find her frozen as she stared at him, wide-eyed with the same off-balanced expression she had when he had tried to ask her to stay just a few months back.  

He stood, swooping his little girl up in one arm as he did, and reached out for Sarah with the other, pulling her in until he had both his girls held close.  “This, right here, both of you?  It’s everything,” he told them both softly, rubbing his nose against Kalia’s and making her giggle before he turned to drop a kiss on Sarah’s quivering lip.  She was definitely Sarah, when she was like this - soft and vulnerable.  He loved it.  

Kalia started to squirm, so he let her down before he accidentally dropped her.  “Only three more people until me!” his daughter shouted gleefully.  

“You got it, only three more!” he agreed, then turned to Linden and poked one finger gently into her back.  “What about you? You gonna sit on Santa’s knee too?” He teased quietly, trying ease her because she still looked just a little bit unhinged.  

It did the trick.  He watched her eyebrows creep up to her hairline, and she opened her mouth twice before she managed to use her words.  “You want me to sit on a strange man’s knee,” she stated, her words only loud enough for him - and it was definitely not a question. 

He just shrugged, and grinned at her.   And then he got the reaction he was waiting for.  She rolled her eyes and shook her head before glancing slyly at him.  “I didn’t take you for the sharing type,” she commented.  

“Oooohhh, burn!” He exclaimed, a bit surprised that her comeback was unexpected - really, he knew her better than that.  “Linden made a joke!”  He hugged her tighter to him, and ducked his head to whisper in his ear.  “I definitely do not share.”  

Her body shook with a quick, silent laugh. “I didn’t think so,” she grinned up at him.  A couple of other parents were watching them curiously, now, but he didn’t even care.   Sarah Linden was laughing beside him as his little girl ran up to climb onto Santa’s knee, and he, Stephen Holder, the piece of shit tweakhead who had been shitfaced on meth less than seven years ago, was standing there with them - his family - clean, sober, with an amazing woman and a beautiful little girl to show for his life.  He had never dared dream this could be him.  He didn’t even know what to do with everything that made him feel, so he just tightened the arm he had around Linden and watched, grinning, as his little chatter boxed her way through her Christmas list, bouncing happily on Santa’s knee.  The only thing he could think was that it was the best Christmas season ever.


	7. Step 7

“Yo, Linden! C’mere a minute.” Holder hollered out from the bedroom.  Sarah sighed and wrapped her hands around her coffee mug, glancing quickly at Kalia who was sitting at the counter, legs dangling, working her way through a bowl of cheerios.    

“Linden, get in here!” Holder called a second time, his impatience obvious.  She wondered if he was out of clean underwear, or something. With a wistful look at her coffee mug, she set it down on the counter and went to find out what he was fired up about.

She found him in the bedroom, methodically tossing clothes into a duffel bag.   “Do you have to go out of town?” she asked, unable to stop herself from frowning.  He hadn’t mentioned a trip before, and she had to admit she didn’t really like the idea of him being away overnight.  She was getting too comfortable, she supposed.  

“It’s totally unacceptable to leave me alone with that Christmas tree,” she warned him lightly, trying to shove off the unease that threatened to overwhelm her.  

Holder basically ignored her, stuffing a couple of sweatshirts and a hoodie haphazardly into his bag.  Then he looked up and tossed her her overnight bag, which he had apparently pulled out of the closet.   “I’m gonna drop Kalia off at the bus and then I’ll be back.  Half hour or so, I’m thinkin’.   Pack for a couple of days.  Warm stuff.”

“What?”  She missed catching the bag, and bent down to pick it up where it had fallen.  “Aren’t you working?” 

“Got the rest of the week off,” he shot her a cheerful grin as he zipped up his bag. 

“Why?” 

“Because we got places to be, mama.  Get packin’ - we’ll leave when I get back.”    He slung his bag over his shoulder and headed out of the room.  Still trying to process, she followed him as he headed to the door and dropped his bag in the entrance.  “You ready, princess?” He asked Kalia who bounced over with her jacket in hand. 

“Are you going away, daddy?” 

“Sarah and I are going on a short trip.” He told her as he helped her into her coat.  Sarah picked up her coffee again and took another sip, watching him interact with his kid.   She actually really enjoyed observing the pair together - Holder was just so… wonderful with his daughter.  It was sweet to watch. It made her wish she had someone like him when she was Kalia’s age.  And it made her grateful to have him now.  

“Me too!” Kalia grinned, making herself tall.  

“No, not you too.  This is a grownup trip.” He informed her, letting her lean on his arm as she stepped into her boots.

“But what about our Christmas cookies?  You promised!”  His kid was pouting now and Holder looked almost ready to cave.   

“We’ll be back on Saturday in plenty of time to make cookies,” he promised.

“Sarah too?”

“Of course.  Sarah’s probably never baked cookies - you’re gonna have to show her how it’s done.”   She’d have to think of something to get back at him for that insult, she decided immediately as she surveyed him through narrowed eyes.  

Placated, the girl let Holder help her into her backpack.   Then Kalia ran over to her to hug her.  She still wasn’t used to these random, open displays of affection from the little girl.  She didn’t remember ever being that accepting of the people who happened into her life. 

“Be back in a jiff,” Holder told her as he shepherded his daughter out the door.  “Get packed.   **Warm** clothes,” he emphasized.   As the door shut behind him her smile shifted to uncertainty.   She hated surprises and she definitely didn’t trust whatever Holder had up his sleeve.   And who leaves a woman twenty minutes to pack, anyways?   

*****************************************

She was still feeling unsettled when Holder got back and ushered her immediately to the car.  “You got toothpaste, your hair brush, extra hair ties?  Sweaters?  Bring a warm hat,” he had rattled off as she slipped into her boots.  

“Where are we going?”

“On a trip,” he told her cheerfully, and his absolute refusal to tell her their end destination was annoying her.    She stewed on it for a while, with Holder whistling cheerfully, as they headed off, drove through Seattle, and then out onto open highway.

“We aren’t going back to Snoqualmie, are we?” She asked, recognizing that they were headed in that direction.  

“We’ll go past it,” he offered.  “Just relax, Linden.  Enjoy the trip. It’s you and me in our stupid car, remember?  Enjoy the ride.”  

But she couldn’t, without knowing where this ride was taking her.  She tried to remind herself that it was Holder and she trusted him, but he could be so outrageous at times that she really could  **not** trust him.   **At. All.**  God only knows what kind of ridiculous situation he was getting them into.

“Seriously, Holder.  We’re driving off into the middle of nowhere,” She complained two or so hours later.  He had chattered about this that and everything for most of the trip, sometimes keeping her laughing and generally keeping her entertained as he poked and prodded at her and babbled on about whatever stream of consciousness thought was going through his head.  It was almost exactly like before, them in the car, except this time they weren’t chasing dead people - they were just just driving with no known game plan.  No destination - that she knew of.  It unnerved her. 

“Almost there,” he told her offhandedly, then resumed his one-man conversation.    

“Like...how close to almost?” she interrupted him again.  

“Like……” he trailed off, went silent, and then they were heading into another town.  “Here we are,” he stated, his words punctuated with satisfaction.  

She had missed the name of the town while she poked at Holder about their destination.   She wondered if Holder had drugged her.  The town was all quaint old style, lit up and decorated for Christmas.  It looked like a Christmas village out of a Thomas Kincaide painting. Perfect.  Pristine.  Snow on the ground, mountains all around, lights and trees and garland and decorations, everywhere.  And… - she squinted - was that an….. Elf?

“Oh no. No no no no no,” she shook her head hard, reaching over and trying to get to the steering wheel, to somehow force him to turn around.  “You are  **not** leaving me in Santa’s village.”

“Who said anything about leaving you?” Holder asked, casual and relaxed, with a hint of humor in his tone.  “And anyways, it’s not Santa’s village.  It’s Leavenworth.”  

And then he turned a corner and they pulled up to a hotel called the  _ Icicle Inn  _ and even the name made her want to cringe.  

“This is over the top.”  She could hear the horror in her voice, and cursed at the way it seemed to amuse Holder even more.

“It’s gonna be amazing, Linden.  Just you wait.”

*************************************************************

“Now what?” She asked as they got back in the car.  Check-in wasn’t until 3, and it was only 11:30.

“Well, none of our stuff will freeze.  Why don’t we grab some grub before we go sledding?”

“Sledding, again?”  she rolled her eyes.  “You’re starting to repeat yourself.”

“Not tobogganing, Linden.  Not tubing either, before you say it.  Sledding.  Behind dogs.”  

She didn’t know what to say to that, so she just kept quiet as Holder headed back towards Leavenworth’s main street.  She wondered what possessed him to think that she’d want to dog sled.  Or where he got the idea at all.   Really, she should be used to this crazy by now - she was sitting in a vehicle with Holder, afterall.

The same Holder who was busy parking in front of a larger than life gingerbread house.  Decorated and everything.  

“Looks like a good place for lunch, don’tcha think?”  He was grinning at her from the driver’s seat, which made her conclude that her face reflected the horrified disbelief she was feeling.  

“What is this place?” she asked, wondering again what alternate reality Holder had managed to conjure up for them.  

“The Gingerbread Cafe.” Holder stated with satisfaction, pointing at the sign in front of the house.   

“Holder,” she turned to him, trying to figure out how to talk him out of this.  “That can’t be real.”  

“Looks real to me, mama.  Smells real, too,” he sniffed appreciatively as he unfolded himself from the car.  

“I feel like I just stepped into a Brother’s Grimm tale,” she continued to ragg on Holder as they walked up to the house.  

“Hansel and Gretel?” he asked, poking her in the arm.  “Nah… Look, that ain’t a witch in there - it’s an elf!”

And he was right.  Through the window she could see the elf she’d seen walking down the street when they’d first come into town.  “A smart witch would disguise herself,” the devil inside Sarah made her suggest.  

“Don’t worry, Linden.  I’ll protect ya,” Holder countered jovially.  And then he was opening the door and ushering her into the room, and the elf was taking their order - with a bit of real food to go with the six or so desserts Holder picked out.

“Isn’t all that toxic to the temple?” She couldn’t help but ask as she finished off her, admittedly amazing, chicken wrap.  Holder was breaking a cinnamon bun in half. 

“Temple’s on holidays for the next two days,” he informed her as if it was the most logical thing in the world, shoving half of the cinnamon bun her way.  “Try this, Linden.  It’s amazing.”

It was.  And she was almost ready to admit it to Holder as they headed back to the car, but when she turned to him to say so she caught him eyeballing her speculatively.   “You know,” he commented, catching her eye and flashing her a cheeky grin, “If you can’t find a job in Seattle you would totally fit in here as one of Santa’s elves.”

“You’re sleeping on the couch,” she muttered, stalking off to the car as Holder hooted with laughter behind her.

***************************************************************

Holder enjoyed his elf joke all the way to the dog sledding outfit, chortling to himself for the entire 45 minute drive and suggesting jobs and outfits and things she could do while dressed in green, while she pretended to fume in the passenger seat.   Unfortunately she was pretty sure he knew that she was pretending, just as much as she knew that he hassled her like that specifically to get reactions.  

Her unease came back when they were waiting to sign in at the dog sledding facility and she saw their prices.  And then found out that Holder had already put a deposit down for their time slot. 

“Holder,” she touched his arm, wanting his full attention.  

He looked down at her and grinned.  “Don’t worry, mama.  The dogs know their jobs.”  

“No, that’s not what…” she sighed.  “It’s just.. You don’t have to do all of this, you know?  It’s going to cost you a fortune.”  She hadn’t really thought about that but now, seeing the prices and thinking about that, and the hotel, and god only knows what else Holder had planned… her mental math didn’t seem fair.   And she didn’t have much extra to pitch in, right now.  When Holder opened his mouth to argue, she kept going, tried again.  “I don’t need… trips and activities.  You don’t have to do this just because I’m not into Christmas, or because Jack isn’t coming.  It’s ok if we just do normal things. I just want to be with you.”

“This has nothing to do with any of that,” Holder disagreed, and when she went to argue he touched one finger to her lips.  “Sarah,” he said softly, and her first name on his lips was still foreign but also special, “I booked this trip, like, six weeks ago.  I knew that Christmas was gonna be nuts with activities for Kalia, and then Jack supposedly coming.  I just wanted a chance to get away with you - to be with just  **you** for a couple of days.  Y’know?  Something just for us.”

“Oh,” she breathed, surprised.  He was so damned thoughtful that way - in so many ways she wasn’t.  

“And the sledding, well,” he continued, scuffling a foot a bit, “It’s something I really wanted to try.  With dogs and all.  I was hoping you’d be happy to share it with me.”  

And how could she say no to that?  She couldn’t.  She didn’t even want to try.  Which is how she found herself wrapped up in Holder’s arms on a dog sled with someone behind them driving the team, or pack, or whatever it was, on an hour long seven mile excursion that was actually a novel experience.  Holder’s enjoyment of it was obvious, and that made it all the better.  

“We could get us one of them huskies,” he suggested afterwards as they climbed back into the car.  “You’d have a running buddy.”

“Your apartment would implode,” she pointed out, which made him chuckle.  

“Someday, Linden.  We’ll have a house, and a dog, and grandbabies…”  He started to paint a picture that sounded unbelievably foreign to her, but also really nice.  She reached out for one of his hands and relaxed against the seat, letting his voice wash over her.  This, she thought.  This was home.

*****************************************************

“Holder, this is too much,” she found herself saying again, a little over an hour later as they walked into their room.  It was over the top, and all Holder was doing was standing there grinning at her.  

“Check it, Linden.  This room is amazing.”   

And it was.  To the left, glass french doors into a room with a massive bed and a fireplace.  To the right, a couch and a chair and small table, and another stone-surrounded fireplace.   

And the bathroom.  It was something else.  Big, luxurious, with the largest tub she’d ever laid eyes on.  “I bet you can’t wait to have a good relaxing soak in that,” Holder said softly, right into her ear.  “And then can you imagine, making love on that bed with light from a fire flickering over your skin?”  

Her entire body reacted to the picture Holder was painting, and she breathed out a shaky laugh as she turned, sliding her arms up and around his neck as soon as she could.   “Sounds amazing,” she whispered, touching her lips to his.  “Want to?”  She traced his lips with her tongue and he exhaled sharply.

“Yes.  And we will,”  He kissed her hard, quickly, then set her slightly away from him, making her eyes narrow in frustration.  “Later.”

“Why wait?” she tried, slithering up to him again and trying to get her hand in his pants.  That would work, she thought.  It always worked.  

“Because,” he shifted away from her, eyeballing her with an amused gleam that told her he knew exactly what she was trying to do and he wasn’t playing --- yet.   “We can’t start our night activities until our day activities are done.  C’mon, let’s get these bags in the bedroom and find some supper.  

“Day activities?  Holder, you don’t have to try so hard.” Sarah found herself trailing after Holder as he moved stuff into the bedroom and then practically tugged her back out the door.  

“Tryin’ so hard to do what?  I’m enjoying a romantic getaway with my love.  And you’re gonna love the next activity.”

“What is it?” she asked, pleased to discover that not only was there no apprehension in her voice, but there was none in her mind either.   

“It’s a surprise.”

“I hate surprises.”

“You’ll love it, Linden.  Promise.”  

*****************************************

And she did love it.  After rushing her through dinner a bit, Holder tugged her along until she found herself standing in a stable, in front of a beautiful, old-style sleigh pulled by two basically orange horses with white hair running down their necks and tails.  Holder was grinning from ear to ear, his pleasure with himself palpable.  

“You’re taking me on a sleigh ride.”  

“Most romantic thing you can do, right?  I mean, it’s not a carriage in New York, but...” 

“I never really thought you’d be a romantic,” she tried to tease him but the irony was lost somewhere in the grin she couldn’t quite wipe off her face.  Holder was taking her on a sleigh ride.  And goddamn it anyways but her stupid heart grew four sizes at the cheesy romantic gesture.   He helped her get settled into the sleigh, tucking the thick heavy wool blanket on the seat around them both, tugging her so close to him she was practically in his lap.  The driver sat ahead of them, patient.  The horses were shuffling a bit, snorting softly in the waning daylight.  

“These things poop,” she whispered to Holder, the devil in her rearing its head to poke at him just once.   

He just chuckled.  “So do I,” he pointed out, and she had to bite her tongue to keep from bursting out laughing. 

And then the driver sent the horses forward, and they set off briskly, the sound of the bells on their harnesses jingling in time with their movement as they headed off down a dimly visible path, the dark shadows of the mountains looming up all around them.  It was almost magical, she thought.

“Jingle bells,” Holder murmured in her ear. “Sorry, that’s a bit Christmasy I guess.”

“It’s ok,” she answered on a sigh, snuggling in closer to him.  And she could tell he liked that by the way his arm tightened around her.   

“Does this mean you’re starting to enjoy Christmas?” Holder ventured carefully a while later, his quiet voice breaking through the steady tempo of the jingling bells and the horses’ breathing.  

“I…” she started, then paused, unsure.  She wanted to say she was - but she didn’t want to lie, and she wasn’t really sure if it was the truth.  She pulled back a bit and twisted, until she could see Holder’s face, shrouded in moonlight.  “I’m scared to enjoy it,” she eventually admitted, ducking her head again and burrowing back to him.  

It seemed to confuse him, and it took him a minute to say anything.  “What scares you about it?” he finally asked as he tightened his hold on her.  

“It feels like a dream,” she murmured.  

“A dream come true,” he agreed, and she shivered.  

“I just… I feel like I’ll wake up Christmas morning in some dingy hotel in North Carolina or somewhere, and find out that all of this was just a dream.  All these nice things,” she took a deep breath, exhaled slowly.  “And you,” she managed to bring herself to admit, and then rushed on, “I’m  so scared I’ll wake up and find out you’re not really here.  That you didn’t really…”

Holder set her back from her then, touching a finger to her lips as a chill ran through her body from the loss of his body heat.  “I’m here.  This is real, you and I.  You aren’t gonna wake up and find yourself alone.”  His eyes were soft and kind, full of understanding as finger caressed her cheek. And then he hugged her closer again, taking the time to wrap the blanket tighter around them before resting his chin on the top of her head.   

“On Christmas morning,” he continued softly a moment later, “you’re gonna wake up right where you belong - in my arms.   It’s probably gonna be a rude awakening,” his tone went rueful, “cause probably the mistress of the house will take a flying leap on us, all excited because Santa came.   And then I’ll tell you how much I love you.  How grateful I am to be waking up Christmas morning with the one person who accepted me just as I was, even when I was fucking it all up.  With the one person who thought I was more than just some piece of shit tweaker.”

She thought about that for a bit, watching the steady movement of the horses’ muscles under the harness.  She wondered what it would be like to be the driver, trusting that these animals with the strength of an ox would stay with him and not just overpower him and run off.  “A person could learn something from the horses, I think,” she mused.  “I’m sorry, Holder.  For complaining so much.” 

“I know what you’ve been doin’, Linden.  You’ve been pushin’ and pokin’, trying to see if I’ll really stay, or if I’ll give up on you.  I’m tellin’ you though, I won’t.  You just do your thing.  Do whatever you gotta do to work through these worries. I’ll still be here when you’re done.”

Overwhelmed, she couldn’t do more than reach up and give him a quick, hard kiss.  “I love you,” she whispered as he tucked her back in against him for the umpteenth time.  “I’m so glad you’re my best friend.”

**************************************************************

The sleigh ride didn’t last nearly long enough.  She could have stayed in Holder’s cocoon on the sleigh forever, listening to bells and horses and the steady glide of their ride over the snow, with the mountains looming over them.    

But this wasn’t so bad either, she thought, as Holder slipped into the huge soaker tub behind her.  “We need one of these in the apartment,” he mused.  “Imagine the things we could do?”

“Like take out two walls so it would fit?”  

Holder laughed.  “True that, mama.  Someday, though.  We’re gonna have a place with a tub like this.”

He’d been right to convince her that a hot bath was a good idea.  She hadn’t really wanted to, because she just wanted to relax with Holder - not on her own in the tub.  She hadn’t realized that he planned on joining her when he had first run the bath, dumping an obscene amount of fruity smelling bubble bath into the mix.   But she’d let him talk her into it anyways.  The one thing she  **had** put her foot down on was drinking the champagne that came with the room.  He wanted her to have some while they relaxed, but she didn’t want to drink when he wasn’t.  And Holder didn’t drink anymore.  At all.  She didn’t mind that so much, and was happy to be sober with him.   She’d had to argue a bit with him to convince him that she really didn’t need champagne for all of this to be amazing, but it was worth it when his eyes softened on her as he realized she really meant it.  

They stayed in the tub, wrapped up together, mostly in silence, until the water cooled and the bubbles were starting to disintegrate.   Eventually Holder tipped his head and kissed the side of her neck before sliding out from behind her.  He wrapped himself in a towel and held one out for her.   

“C’mon,” he murmured as he helped her into a plush bathrobe, “let’s go relax by the fire.”  

An hour later she was dozing off, lulled by his heartbeat against her ear as she sat in his lap by the light of the fire.  He’d arranged them like that, his arms around her, and then they’d sat, mostly in silence.  She’s never known he had this much of a sweet, romantic streak in him.  And it was easy, so easy to just rest here like this in his arms. She was pulled back from sleep when Holder shifted, reaching over to the side.   She wanted to ask what he was doing but she was too sleepy and languid to put the question into words.  The answer was obvious right away, anyways, as he clicked the fireplace off and then stood carefully. 

She opened her mouth to tell him that she could walk, he didn’t have to carry her - but it was too much effort and she aborted the idea before even starting, tightening her arms around his neck as he carried her to the bed.  

He was so gentle, she thought as he laid her down on the bed.   So gentle for a man so big and almost clumsy at times.   Who could have ever written this man off as an unsalvageable tweakhead?  He was so much more than his past.  So much better.  She didn’t know if she’d ever felt this much love and tenderness and appreciation for anyone, ever before.  

“Holder,” she whispered.  He turned back to her after clicking the fireplace on and met her eyes, his own questioning.  “I love you.”  At her words, the question in his eyes turned to something soft and tender.

“I love you too,” he murmured, the warmth of his words washing over her as he tugged on the belt strap of her robe.  “Let me show you how much.”   His hands spread the robe away from her, baring her to him.  And then his gaze roved over her body, setting her nerve endings on fire without ever touching her.  

She tried to reach for his robe, but he shifted away and pressed her back to the bed.  “Just let me, tonight,” he admonished softly.  And then he touched her.  His hands started at her ankles, running up her calves and thighs as he hummed appreciatively over her body.   She let out an involuntary breath as his fingers brushed against her, one finger sliding inside of her and lingering briefly before his hands continued their journey upwards.  Over her ribs, and her breasts - lingering there too.  She whimpered at the loss when he moved away, but he just slipped out of his robe before stretching out beside her on the bed.  

“Ohh,” she breathed at the feel of his skin against hers.  His hands continued their exploration of her body.  She lost track of everything as he trailed soft kisses over her collarbone, her neck, her face, all the while whispering to her - telling her how much he loved her, how gorgeous she was, how much he wanted her,  how special she was to him.  

It was perfect, she realized.  So perfect with him, her best friend.  “Holder,” she gasped, “Stephen-“ because she wanted to tell him - but he just shook his head gently at her and continued loving her, slowly and thoroughly as if they had all the time in the world.  And they did, she realized.  And then she was swept away by his touch and his breath against her skin and the sound of his voice as a steady stream of earnest endearments punctuated every caress.   If this was a dream, she hoped she would never wake up.  


	8. Step 8

“Come on, Holder.  Let’s go for a walk.”  

“It’s 11 pm!” He argued from the bed, where he was sprawled lazily.  Not only that but they’d spent most of the day on foot as they explored the town, ate amazing food, went snowshoeing in the valley, and generally wasted a day wandering aimlessly.  “You’ve worn me out!” 

And she had.  Sarah had been soft and happy and relaxed all day, laughing at him as he tried to get a hang of walking in snowshoes.  She had laughed even harder when fell, and harder yet when he tugged her down with him into the snow in retaliation.   

“It’s snowing,” she countered, now.  

It had been snowing that afternoon too, thick heavy flakes, when they got back from their 3 hour snowshoe excursion, a bit wet and definitely chilled.  They had sunk to their necks in a nice hot bath again, Sarah in front of him, letting the closeness of their bodies and the heat of the water pull the chill out of their bones.  

And then they’d tested the waterproofedness of the floor when she’d suddenly pulled away, turned in his arms and straddled him, sinking down on him in one easy move with a naughty little grin on her face.  And fuck, if he’d thought he needed to recharge after all of the sex they’d been having lately, it took two glides of her body over his for him to realize he had been wrong.  And when he couldn’t wait any longer and took over, thrusting into her hard and fast and sending waves of water over the edge of the tub, the satisfaction on her face just made him come harder.  

“Holder, COME ON.” His jacket landed on his face, as her impatient demand interrupted his sated remembrance of their afternoon.  

“What on earth is going on out there that’s so important, woman?”  he groused as he shoved himself up off the bed.  “You know we could have way more fun in here,” he added suggestively, hoping maybe the idea of getting naked with him, again, would get this fool idea out of her head.

“Just come on,” she breathed, grabbing his hand and marching out the door as if they had places to be and things to do - the same clipped, quick walk she had when they were working so many years ago.  He barely had time to grab his hat.

“There’s Christmas lights out there.  Carols probably, too,” he warned as they made their way towards the village.  “We might even get kidnapped by an elf,” he tried when she’d ignored him.   

She sidled closer to him, letting go of his hand to slide her arm around his waist.  “I figured you’d have my back if an elf tried anything,” she informed him pertly.  He chuckled, slinging an arm over her shoulders, and let her have her joke.  

“So where’re we going?” he asked a minute later.  “You got a plan for this excursion of ours?”  

“Just walk with me,” she whispered.  The snow was falling around them in big fat fluffy flakes, and when she slowed down and looked up at him one fell into her eye.  He reached out and brushed it away with one finger, then leaned down to kiss her because really, how could he not?  He wondered what all of this was about, but decided that he would try to be patient and let Linden do her thing.   She was walking voluntarily towards a street all decorated for Christmas, after all.  And she was doing it with him.

They trudged up a small hill, and then she stopped dead, staring down at the village’s main street.  It was all lit up still with Christmas lights and there were still people walking around.  But mostly the streets were empty, no vehicles driving around at this hour.

“Do you know those Christmas villages?” Linden pulled away a bit, and he glanced down to find her turning towards him.   “The ones you can buy all sorts of different houses and pieces to make, that set up as decorations?  They all light up and…” 

“Yeah, I know what you’re talkin’ about,” he told her. 

“That’s what this place feels like,” she said softly, letting her eyes meet his.  “It feels like one of those perfect Christmas Villages.”

He wasn’t quite sure if that was good, or bad, to her.  He couldn’t quite tell by her tone or by her slow, hard exhale before she turned away and started forward again.  He wasn’t sure how to ask her, so he just moved forward with her, tucking her hand into his.  If she was gathering her thoughts, he’d let her, he decided.

“My first Christmas in foster care, I ran away,” Linden said suddenly from beside him as they walked past the first shop.  “Later in the afternoon, or in the evening.  I don’t remember for sure.  It was dark.  The woman… the foster mother… she’d been crying all day.  She hadn’t cooked supper.  She was crying and yelling at me about how unfair life was, and how I should get used to it because… because nobody cared about me either.  And -”

“She said that to a five year old?” He couldn’t stop himself from interrupting her.  “Seriously?  What the fuck, Linden?”   The surprise and horror he felt at the idea of someone who was supposed to be helping kids being so cruel made his words come out more harshly than he intended, causing Linden to tense beside him.  He let her hand go and slid his arm around her back again, hugging her to him gently to soften the words.   “You were just a little kid.”

“I finally just… snuck out the door,” she started again after a brief silence.  “I walked a couple of doors down, and the family there’s dining room had a big picture window facing their front yard.   They had kids - a couple of girls in pretty dresses, maybe a boy,” she blew out a breath, “I don’t really remember.  I just remember watching them through the window and wishing I could be one of those little girls.  And feeling like I must have been really bad to not deserve that.  So I ran. I didn’t even have my jacket.”

“Must have been a warm Christmas.”    

“No.  It was freezing.  I was so cold by the time Regi found me,” she admitted, a hint of ruefulness in her voice.  “I bet she was called away from some Christmas Dinner, or something.  She didn’t even take me back to the foster home right away.”

“I’m surprised she took you back at all.”

“I don’t remember.  She may not have.  I know I stayed with her for at least two nights. And I went to a new home soon after.  That night, though, Regi stuck me in a warm bath and fed me, gave me the doll I had wanted…made me promise I wouldn’t run away while we were on the boat, and I think she took me skating the next day. Or something.  I think… when I think about it now… I was really lucky she found me when she did.  I wouldn’t have survived the night outside in the cold, I don’t think.”

“Remind me to thank her for making sure you survived long enough to find me,” he joked, pleased when it elicited a small laugh out of her.  

“She’ll love hearing that,” she said wryly, then went quiet.  When she spoke again, her words were slow, thoughtful.  “When I was older, those Christmas Villages were such a thing.  I was maybe 10, and the family I was living with had a huge setup.  We weren’t allowed touch it.  But I used to sit and watch it.  They had a motorized train that ran through it and all sorts of things.  I would watch it, and I started to dream, to wish that I would wake up one Christmas morning and find myself shrunk down into the village.  Everyone was happy it in.  Everyone was wanted.  Everyone belonged.  Everyone was accepted.  Everyone was joyous and loved. I wanted that so bad.”  She paused, and blew out a breath.  “It never happened.  Eventually, I realized it was all a fairy tale - and fairy tales didn’t exist.  I convinced myself that I didn’t need it.  I didn’t want it.  None of it mattered anyways.” 

They’d made it halfway down the main street by now, and she stopped suddenly, turning towards him, staring up at him with a look in her eyes he’d never seen before.  Open, vulnerable, and full of something that he could only identify as desperate yearning.  “I did want it, though.  I do want it.”  And then her cold little hand was against his cheek and she was saying “I want it so desperately.  With you.   And I’m so scared to lose it.”  

Her eyes were wide, her face as full of uncertainty and fear and discomfort as it had been that day a few short months ago when she’d shown up out of the blue.  His heart caught in his throat and he couldn’t quite speak so he just pulled her into his arms and hugged her as tightly as he could.   “You have it, now.  You aren’t going to lose it,” he promised vehemently, kissing the top of her head.  

She didn’t say anything, just wrapped her around around him and clung to him.  It made him feel as if he was her lifeline.  “Thank you, for sharing that with me,” he said softly a minute later, his voice muffled by her hair, “for trusting me with it.”

“It’s so beautiful, out here, in the snow, with the lights and the houses and...” she murmured as she finally pulled away and looked up at him.  Her eyes were shining like stars, and he wondered briefly if it was just the light or if it was a sheen of tears, causing it.  But she offered him a shaky smile, and then started forward again so he left it alone.  

“Just like your Christmas village,”  he mused.

“Yeah.”

“What else is in it?”

“Kids playing, adults relaxing.  Snowmen.”  

“What about snowball fights?” He asked slyly, because he suddenly wanted to see the look on her face when she got lobbed with a snowball.  He scooped some snow off of the branches of a spruce tree and lobbed it at her just as she turned towards him.  Her eyes widened, the suspicion on her eyes morphing into shock.  

“Oh, you did not just do that.”

“Looks like I did,” he said cheerfully.  “Whatcha gonna do about it?”  And then he scooped up another handful of snow and nailed her square in the chest with it.   It was game on.  She ducked down too and reciprocated with gusto.    It was the perfect way to take her mind off of her past, he thought, as she flung another snowball at him, laughing.   He went after another and before he could turn to launch it at her she had leapt onto his back, clinging to him like a monkey, trying to stuff a huge wad of snow down his jacket.   No way - he thought - no way was she getting away with that.  He spun in a circle, and dropped to his knees before rolling, pinning her in the snow, and hitting her with her own evil plan, stuffing snow down the front of her jacket, making her squeal with the cold.   

And he had to say, he never thought he’d see the day where Sarah Linden squealed - literally squealed - with joy.   He was so distracted by it that he didn’t manage to dodge the mouthful of snow she reciprocated with.   

There was nothing left to do, he supposed, except kiss her senseless.  Right there on the ground in a bed of snow in the middle of the street.   Good thing it was a small town.  And almost midnight.   

“God, I love you,” he murmured finally, then helped her back to his feet.  “I dunno about you, but I gotta get the snow out of my jacket before I get frostbite,” he laughed.

“Maybe we need another bath,” she suggested with one raised eyebrow, making his junk twitch even though it should be too exhausted to be useful for at least a year.    He just chuckled, and slung his arm back around her shoulders.  “Wanna hurry?”

But she didn’t, and they made their way back to the inn at a slow, meandering pace, stopping regularly to kiss and cuddle, and occasionally morphing into more small snowball fights, usually started by Linden who seemed to be struck by the witching hour.  

“You’re amazing, like this, you know,” he told her when they’d finally made it back inside.  She looked up at him, surprised.  

“You like losing?” she teased, a wicked little light dancing in her eye.  

“I didn’t lose, woman.  And if we need to go back out to prove that, we can,” he suggested, then slid his hand around the back of her head, tangling his fingers in her hair, pulling her face close to his.  “I love seeing you open up, relax, and have fun.   I love that you’re doin’ it with me,” he murmured, then kissed her deeply again.   “I dunno about you, though, but I think we need to crawl into that bed and get some shut eye.”

She was pretty quick to comply, sliding between the sheets without any clothes on in about thirty seconds flat.  “Can we leave the fireplace on for a while?” she asked, shivering.   He was good with that, so he clicked it on and set an hour timer on it before sliding in with her, cuddling her close in the dim light.   

“Promise me,” he started a little while later, finally letting her hear his real fear, “promise me that if you get scared, if you feel like you need to run - you’ll tell me.  You’ll let me help you find a way to stay.”  

She snuggled closer to him, curling her leg around both of his and resting her head over his heart, and nodded.  It was only a small measure of relief.  

He was almost asleep when he heard her drowsy admission.  “I want to stay, more than anything in the world.”  He squeezed her against him and let her words repeat themselves in his head as he slowly drifted off for the night.


	9. Step 9

She woke up alone in the car, disoriented.  And her neck was really sore.   “Toto, we’re not at the North Pole anymore,” she murmured to herself as she slowly realized that the car was parked across the street from Caroline’s apartment building.   She felt a measure of sadness at being back in Seattle, recognizing that their little idyllic escape was over.  She rubbed her neck, then reached over and clicked the heat down a couple of notches.    Then, she looked over and saw Holder, striding casually back towards the car, a pink overnight bag in one hand and his little girl holding onto the other, skipping along beside him.   He was laughing.

She wished she had a camera - it was a perfect picture and embodied everything that she’d ever hoped for, for Holder.   

“Hey, Sleeping Beauty, I see you’ve risen from the dead!” he exclaimed cheerfully as he slid into the front seat after ushering Kalia into the back.   

“How long was I asleep?”

“Oh, since about 10 minutes outside of Leavenworth,” Holder chuckled.  “Guess we wore you out!”

She laughed through her nose, and shook her head.  It must have been a long drive for him, with no company.  “I’m sorry,” she murmured.  

“It was like old times, Linden.  Just like old times.  You sleepin’ in the car, me drivin’ and takin’ care of my girl… And anyways, you needed to rest up for the cookie baking marathon that’s about to begin!”

The thing was, she didn’t feel rested.  She still felt exhausted right to her bones, and she wondered if she was coming down with something.  She felt like she could just go back to bed and sleep for a week.   Maybe she shouldn’t have woken Holder up in the middle of the night, she thought ruefully.   Cause once she’d done that, he’d kept them up for a good, satisfying hour.   

And then this morning, he’d nuzzled her awake, sliding into her while she was still soft and sleepy.  It had been perfect.  

“Penny for your thoughts,” Holder interrupted her remembrance of their earlier activities.  “Or maybe a nickel.  They must be good if they’ve got you smiling like that.”

She just laughed and reached for his hand, because her thoughts definitely weren’t suitable for Kalia’s little ears.  “Cookies, huh?”

“Christmas cookies!” the little girl chirped from the back.  

“It’s gonna be great,” Holder stated with firm satisfaction.  

 

**********************************

 

It was going to be a disaster, Sarah though as she watched Holder unpack multiple different ingredients onto the counter, Kalia rooting around and rearranging it all to her own tastes to _help_.   There was no way something requiring all of this stuff was going to be anything but an epic mess.  Especially with Holder involved.   

“You’re cleaning up after all of this, right?” she asked.

“Relax, ye of little faith,” Holder chided her cheerfully, “Quit worryin’ and just enjoy the experience.”

“I’d never considered baking to be an experience,” she rolled her eyes, choking down a laugh.  

“Obviously you’ve never done it right,” Holder rolled his eyes right back at her, then tugged her into the kitchen with them.  “C’mon, you can be in charge of the wet ingredients.”

It turned out to be as much of a disaster as she expected.  Three hours later, the kitchen looked like a warzone.  Or like a tornado has blown through.  Or something.  Aided by the flour fight Holder had started when he flicked some at Kalia’s nose, and then tossed a handful in her direction.  Kalia had launched herself at Holder with half the bag, and that was that.  

“I hope you don’t expect me to clean this up,” she rolled her eyes at him as she transferred the last batch of sugar cookies to a cooling rack, Kalia standing on a chair beside her and leaning over the counter, diligently supervising the process.   

“She who made the mess must clean it up,” Holder suggested.

“Great,” she countered.  “ **He** who made the mess gets to clean it up.  I’m on break until these are cool.”   

“Witnesses place you at the scene of the crime,” he informed her, mushing his face into her cheek and giving her a sloppy kiss.   “You too,” he repeated the same to Kalia, who squirmed and giggled, almost falling off the chair.  

She may have helped, just a little.  Although she wasn’t gonna own up to it.  Kalia just needed some muscle to help her win.  And the little girl was too short to dump flour down Holder’s shirt.  “You started it,” she told him mildly, a bit miffed that she couldn’t think of anything better than an old childhood retort.  

“Yeah!” Kalia exclaimed.  “YOU started it daddy!”  Then she bounced on the chair, turning back to the cookies.  “Now what?”  

“Now we go get you cleaned up while they cool off, and later you can ice them,” she told the girl as she transferred the baking sheet to the sink.   

“We’ll just have to clean her up again after they’re iced,” Holder pointed out.

“Mmmhmmm… if we let her loose in the apartment with all of that flour in her hair you’ll be cleaning up more than just the kitchen,” she countered, helping Kalia off the chair and guiding her towards the bathroom.   Holder just chuckled and flicked a little ball of dough at her as they went by.

 

**********************************************

 

“Sarah, come help!”  She was jolted awake by Kalia, tugging at her to get her up off the couch.  “The cookies are ready to decorate!”  

“Are they?” she asked, struggling back to reality as she stood, letting Holder’s daughter pull her to the table.  

“Yeah!  Daddy made the icing already!”

“Did he?”

“I was trying to let you sleep, mama,” Holder offered apologetically, coming over and kissing her on the cheek, then the lips.   His eyes were soft and concerned, she noticed as she looked up at him.  “You feeling ok?”  He folded her into his arms then, and she pressed closer to him, inhaling deeply.  It felt so good to be there, breathing him in, surrounded by him.   

“I’m fine,” she shrugged when she finally answered, because she did feel fine.  “Just really tired today.  I guess you wore me out,” she joked. She wished they could just stay like this for a while.  Or better yet, crawl into bed and sleep for a week like this.  But Kalia was chirping to herself at the table, and the sooner they got this done the sooner they could relax.  So she stepped away with a large measure of regret, winked at him, then turned towards the table.  “I’ve been summoned.”

And that was how she found herself sitting at the table between Holder and his daughter, decorating sugar cookies cut out in various Christmasy shapes.  There was an obvious difference in their decorating styles that entertained her somewhat - from Kalia’s freehand to Holder’s slightly morbid curiosity (only Holder would add a knife to a snowman’s chest), and her more sedate, normal style.  Or so she liked to think.  The word Holder had come up with for her cookies was “boring,” which prompted her to threaten to ice him.   

It had almost started an icing fight.   

But thank god it hadn’t, because she didn’t want to clean up after it.  She was especially grateful for that as she packed up the array of uniquely decorated cookies while Holder cleaned his daughter up and put her to bed.    She was almost done, and anxious to fall into bed herself, when Holder’s arms slid around her from behind, surprising her.  He chuckled when she jumped, then kissed the side of her neck.    Even though it slowed down the cleanup process, she couldn’t stop herself from turning in his arms, sliding hers around his neck, and kissing him softly.   

“I can finish up, if you wanna go get some shut eye,” he suggested gently, brushing a strand of hair that had fallen out of her pony tail from her face.  

“I can finish this,” she disagreed.  It wouldn’t be fair to leave him with everything, and it was important to her that she pull her own weight.  Holder looked like he was going to argue for a minute, then shrugged before he started to help her finish packing cookies into containers.   It didn’t take long.   Then he swept all of the icing supplies and dishes into the the sink.

“Those’ll keep until tomorrow,” he declared, then ushered her towards the bedroom.  “Go.  I’ll lock up.”

She stole one of his t-shirts and had crawled into bed by the time he wandered into the bedroom.  “Hurry up,” she demanded, “I’m cold.”  

“Bossy tonight, aren’tcha?” he chuckled, but he didn’t waste any time stripping to his boxers and sliding in beside her.  She didn’t give him time to reach for her - she just slid over until she was pressed up against him and his body heat started to seep into her.  

“Ohhh, that’s better,” she murmured, making him chuckle again as his hand ran up her back.  

“Stealin’ my clothes again?”

“Whatever. You like it,” she countered on a sigh.  She shifted a bit, until her head was pillowed over his heart, the sound of it steady in her ear.   Yes, this was really good.  Perfect, really.   One of her favorite things.

“You know you got your own pillow over there, right?” Holder teased, and she huffed a breath at him but didn’t move.  She knew he didn’t really want her to - he was mostly calling her on how obvious it was that she wanted to be near him.  And she didn’t care.  His fingers combed through her hair, massaging her scalp, making her sigh with pleasure.

“You forgetting, something, Linden?” Holder’s voice dragged her back from sleep a short while later.  

“Go to sleep,” she whined to him, annoyed.

“Can’t.  It’s bad luck.”

“What are you talking about?”  It took a lot of effort for her to lift her head, but she did it anyways, glaring at him through narrowed eyes, hoping he saw her annoyance.   He did, but it just made him grin.  The bastard.   He watched her a minute, then rolled his eyes upwards.  

She didn’t give him the satisfaction of playing along, of following the path his eyes were drawing.  She just waited.  “It’s green,” he finally described, slowly, as if she was a child, “With little balls on it.  And if you’re under it with someone and you don’t kiss them it’s bad luck.”

He didn’t give her time to respond, just cupped her cheek in his hand and tugged her head down to him until he could kiss her.  The devil in her wanted to avoid participating, just to bug him a bit, but she couldn’t quite manage it, because kissing Holder was pretty much her drug of choice, these days.  “That’s better,” he whispered when he finally broke away from her lips.  “Goodnight, Sarah.”

 She mumbled “Goodnight” back to him as she settled back against his chest, her head finding its spot again without any effort.  It was like an old shoe, she thought as her eyes drifted close.  Comfortable, well worn, and perfectly molded to her.  But sweet - like the sugar cookies on the counter.  


	10. Step 10

“So what do my girls want to do today?” Holder asked, surveying his living room.  They’d finished cleaning up the cookie dishes along with the lunch dishes, and now Linden was curled up on the couch with Kalia sitting cross legged beside her, already on her third sugar cookie of the day.  He was pretty he’d regret letting her have the third.  The sugar high would last until tomorrow. 

Sarah ignored him, but Kalia bounced on the couch.  “Skating!” she demanded.  He nodded thoughtfully, and watched as Sarah’s passive expression changed to something pained.  Linden didn’t want to go skating.  Huh. 

He was a bit surprised, because she seemed to be relaxing a lot about the whole Christmas activities thing, especially in Leavenworth.  And she’d slept enough yesterday that surely she wasn’t tired no more.   She should have energy to burn.    “Gonna argue, mama?”

“You could make it a father daughter activity,” she suggested, trying the same tactic she’d used about going to see Santa.  She had a thing or two to learn about creativity, this woman of his.  But he wasn’t gonna teach her those tricks today.   Not when she might use them against him.  

“Or we could make it a family activity,” he countered, grinning at her.  “Kalia would probably rather skate with you anyways.”

“Daddy’s not a very good skater,” Kalia informed her knowingly.  “He falls down a lot.”  

“Don’t go tellin’ all my secrets!” he chided Kalia, lunging forward and tickling her as punishment.  

“Don’t worry,” Linden’s wry voice filtered over his little girl’s shrieks and giggles, “I already knew you were kinda clumsy.”   

“Clumsy!” he exclaimed, switching his attention to her and grabbing for her.  She struggled against him, obvious expecting him to tickle her but he had better ideas, resisting her struggles and tugging her closer to him.  “You better apologize for that with a kiss,” he suggested, grinning at her once he had her where he wanted her.  

She complied, reaching up to meet his lips, lingering afterwards.  “I’m sorry you’re so clumsy,” she breathed against his mouth, before ducking out of his arms and getting up off the couch quick enough that he couldn’t catch her and retaliate.  

He didn’t really know what to do to retaliate anyways, because playful Linden was just so wonderful to be around.  She’d always been so guarded that watching her let go, relax, and be vulnerable around him was something he just didn’t even know what to do with half the time.  And for her, playful was vulnerable.  

“Let’s go!” Kalia shouted, bouncing off the couch and running towards the door.  

“You coming?” he asked Linden as he unfolded himself from the couch.  

He watched her as she paused by the bedroom door, her indecision written on her face.  Then she shrugged.  “Why not,” she said mildly.  “I’m looking forward to watching you fall on your a--butt.”  

***************************

He’d already checked into it, and he knew that it was public skating all day every day at the Magic Season Ice Arena in Bellevue.  It was even almost outdoors, and they had hot chocolate for when his girls got cold.  Linden still didn’t look thrilled about the idea as she laced up her skates, but she wasn’t complaining either.  Not even about the Christmas music that was playing.  He got Kalia done up and sat to get himself outfitted while keeping an eye on her.

“It’s been a while since I’ve done this,” he heard the apprehension in Sarah’s voice and glanced over to find her looking skeptically at the ice.  

“Don’t worry, Linden.  It’s like riding a bike.”  He hoped.  She blew out a breath and then stepped onto the ice to help Kalia, who’d already tumbled, get back to her feet.   He watched a minute longer, not just at the way Linden got her skating legs back - and she did - but also at the way she was with his little girl.  Attentive.  Careful.  Kind.   And he knew that because Kalia was his, and important to him, she was also important to her.   She had the little girl’s hand in hers, now, helping her as she found her balance and stride.   He skated along slowly, not in any hurry to catch up, watching as Kalia finally let go, skating on her own, and then Sarah was showing her how to skate backwards, even.  

Eventually, though, he did catch up to them.  “See?  Like riding a bike,” he grinned at Linden.

“You’re not doing so badly yourself,” she grinned at him.  Grinned!  

“You haven’t fallen down yet, daddy!” Kalia said gleefully.  

“Yeah, well, maybe I’m not so top heavy as I used to be,” he teased, knowing that his daughter wouldn’t understand and Linden would totally get that she worked an excess pounds off of him.   She huffed out a laugh and rolled her eyes at him.   

“Obviously you’re getting more cardio in, so you’re fitter.”

“That doesn’t help balance,” he pointed out just to be contrary, getting another eyeroll in response.

“What’s cardio?” Kalia asked, skating forwards then backwards.  And then she tried to spin and landed on her butt.  Laughing, he bent down to help her up.  

“It’s when you go running or jumping and get your blood flowing,” he answered.

“You don’t do, those things, daddy.”  Kalia looked at him, confusion written all over her face.  And Linden, damn her, snorted beside him, not even trying to hold back her amusement. She also didn’t volunteer to help get him out of the corner he’d painted himself into.  Contrary woman.

“You don’t know what I do when you aren’t around, huh?” he asked his daughter, faking annoyance which just made her giggle.  “And you,” he turned to Linden and glared at her dancing eyes, “Next time you feel like laughing you can answer the question, hmmm?” he teased, still pretending to sound annoyed but ruining it by pulling her in carefully and kissing her on the nose.  

They skated for a good hour before Linden declared that she was going to go sit for a while.  Her cheeks were pink, as were Kalia’s but the little girl was still going fullsteam ahead - even turning circles.  He wondered if she would want to take skating lessons because she really was enjoying herself.  

“You sure?” he asked, and Linden nodded so he dropped a quick kiss on her lips - because he could and he liked doing it - then he reached out and tugged her hat down a little further over her ears.  “We’ll be out here - we’ll join ya when Kalia’s batteries run out.”

“I won’t hold my breath,” she laughed, and he knew she was right - his kid would probably go forever if they let her.   He reached into his pocket and pulled out some change, holding it out until she had no choice but to take it.  

“Get yourself something warm to drink, hmmm?  Don’t want my woman chilled.”  

She laughed again, gave him a quick hug, and then skated off.   “Ok, miss Kalia, let’s see your goddess spin,” he turned back to his daughter, who grinned and showed off her ability to turn one circle, at a pace just slightly faster than snail - maybe turtle - before skating backwards and grinning at him.  

“Your turn, daddy!”   

His first instinct was to refuse, but just for fun, and mostly because he could feel Linden’s eyes on him, he picked up the little girl and spun around with her, making her giggle.  “Again!” she shouted gleefully, so he did.  And as he did, he caught sight of Linden’s face.  She was, as he suspected, watching them, her expression open and soft and warm, a small smile on her face.

***************************

“Pizza and the Grinch!” Kalia was chanting as Holder placed the boxes of pizza they’d picked up on the way home on the coffee table.  Linden had shrugged out of her jacket and was already headed to get plates.

“Pizza’s coming right up, little lady, get your jacket off,” he told her cheerfully, then looked up to find Linden frowning at him, plates in hand.

“Does it have to be the Grinch?” she asked him when he raised one eyebrow at her. 

“It’s Christmas,” he pointed out, “therefore, Christmas movies.”

“There are other Christmas movies.”

“I wanna watch the Grinch!  It’s my favorite!” Kalia demanded, bouncing onto the couch.  

He saw the acceptance in Sarah’s face, as well as the apprehension, which made him wonder if she really had an issue with the movie.  “That ok?” he asked her, even though he knew she’d say yes.   She nodded, but he wondered if maybe it was just that parts of the story hit close to home for her.  So after he selected a slice of pizza for Kalia, he filled his pate then sat back and gestured for Linden to join him, making sure that he slid closer to her as soon as she sat down.  He slung one arm over her shoulders and let his plate rest on his lap, hoping that his presence would help lessen her unease.  

“That wasn’t so bad,” she admitted later, as the credits were rolling.  

“Some similarities to your past and current situation, maybe?” he teased, watching her carefully to make sure that it landed ok.   

She huffed a laugh and shook her head.  “It just… I don’t know.  Something about it.”

“You understand it, maybe.  Bein’ on the outside looking in.”  It was a direct reference to the things she’d told him in Leavenworth, because he’d listened closely.  “But you’re not, anymore.”

She smiled at him, a tight little smile.  Then stood.  “I’m going to get ready for bed.”  

“You do that.  I’m going to get this one,” he tickled Kalia quickly, making the sleepy little girl giggle for a minute before cuddling her close, “into bed and then I’ll join ya.”

By the time he had Kalia tucked in and the house locked up, Linden was asleep, curled up on her side.  In his t-shirt, again.  It was a habit she’d recently developed and one that he kind of loved.  He slid in next to her, careful not to wake her as he kissed the side of her head,  spooned himself behind her and wrapped one arm around her.  She hummed in her sleep and softened against him. “You’re not on the outside,” he whispered into her hair, even though she wasn’t awake to hear him.  “You’re right where you belong.  Home.”  


	11. Step 11

There was no step 11.  When Holder had come home from work, giddy and happy and overly enthusiastic about dragging her out somewhere, she hadn’t managed to stop herself from snapping at him.   She’d had a long day at the docks, and she was exhausted right down to her bones.  And he was just this unending fountain of energy that she both envied and despised.  

So she’d snapped.  Told him to stop trying so hard.  To quit dragging her out everywhere.  That she was tired of always doing things.  That she didn’t want to be drug all over Seattle tonight.

She’d regretted it as soon as she saw the hurt in his eyes.  And the regret grew when that hurt turned to anger and he’d snapped back.  

He’d called her ungrateful.  Unappreciative.  Bitchy.  

She’d lashed back and told him he was pushy and overbearing.  Unwilling to listen.  

None of it was true.  But Holder had stormed out, and once she was alone in the empty apartment, remorse had set in in no time.   She waited a couple of hours, pacing the apartment, sitting on the couch, uneasy and unable to stay still.  The Christmas tree seemed to be taunting her.  It felt like in one cranky, tired sentence she’d blown everything up and pissed Holder off.  Was that all it was going to take?  If he thought she was that ungrateful, would he still want her to stay?  

Two hours later, he still wasn’t home and she couldn’t handle the oppressive silence of the apartment anymore, so she grabbed her jacket and went to Regi’s.  

“Holder and I had a fight,” she said, as Regi opened the door.  Then she shrugged, helpless to find the words, trying not to cry.  And biting her tongue, because she knew the look on Regi’s face well and knew that she wasn’t going to escape criticism if her old friend thought she deserved it.  

“So you left?” Regi asked, true to form. “Does he know you’re here?” 

She shook her head and swallowed, ducking into the boat as Regi held the door wider for her.  

“You need to be careful, Sarah.  Don’t fall back into your old patterns.”

“Don’t,” she said harshly.  “Not tonight, Regi.  Please.”   She didn’t want to ruin things with two people in one night. 

Regi must have seen the desperation in her face, because she nodded tightly, and squeezed Sarah’s shoulder.  “I’ll warm you some stew.”

*************************

“So are you going to tell him you’re here?” Regi asked her a while later, when she’d finished poking through the stew and eaten most of it.   She shook her head.  “Are you going back tonight?”

“I don’t want to play twenty questions, Regi.  And he probably doesn’t want me back there tonight.  What are you doing?” she asked as Regi pulled out her phone.

“Texting Holder and letting him know where you are.  Just because you’re mad at him doesn’t mean it’s fair to leave and let him wonder where you are and if you’re ever coming back.”

“I’m not mad,” she argued.  “He’s the one who’s mad.”

Regi finished her message, put her phone down, and sighed. “Sarah… you do know that people fight, right?  Couples fight.  It’s natural.  Ellen and I fight sometimes.  It doesn’t mean we’re calling it quits and it certainly doesn’t mean we don’t love each other.”

“I know that,” she said, cringing.  She hadn’t meant to sound so abrasive, and she didn’t want to fight with Regi too.

Regi moved from the chair she’d been in and sat beside her on the couch.  “You’ve never been good about being criticized.  And whenever we’ve fought you’ve been uncomfortable coming back.  But you always can.  And you can with Holder too.  People get mad, then they get over it.  He loves you, and there aren’t any conditions on it.”

“There never have been,” she whispered.  

“There aren’t any here, either,” Regi reminded her, pulling her into a hug.  

“Thanks,” she murmured, leaning into the hug for a minute.  “I’m so damned tired,” she whispered.  

“I’ll get you some blankets for the couch,” Regi stood, and kissed the top of her head - a gesture she’d exhibited for as long as Sarah could remember.  “You can stay for tonight.  Tomorrow, though - “

“I’ll go back after work,” she agreed quietly.  She hoped that Holder would let her.  “I need to find a permanent job, too,” she sighed.  It was all so much to deal with.

“Hold off on that til the New Year.  I may have some ideas,” Regi suggested as she headed below.

*******************************

She couldn’t sleep.  The bed felt empty.  She had gotten too used to sharing it, and it felt hollow and lonely to not have Holder beside her.  Which was why, despite being so bloody tired she was sure she was cross-eyed, she was still awake, crying even, when Regi came back up to answer a knock at the door.   Regi went out, and she could hear a dull murmur of voices.  She kept her eyes closed, even when Regi came back inside and went down below again.  

Then, the bed dipped beside her, and she tensed.   “I know you’re awake,” Holder muttered as his arm slid around her.  She wanted to apologize, but she couldn’t talk around the lump in her throat.  She swallowed convulsively, trying to clear it, but it wouldn’t budge.  

“I’m tryin’ real hard not to be angry with you for running off and staying somewhere else just cause we had a fight,” he continued quietly.  “I know you got insecurities.  So this time, I’ll let it go.  This is me, helping you find a way to stay.  But we need some ground rules.  The first being, no matter what one of us has done to piss the other off, no matter how angry we are, when we go to bed we leave it at the door.  We sleep together.  Where we belong.”  

She didn’t even know what to say to that, and she felt another tear roll down her cheek.  She wanted to cry so badly, but she didn’t want him to know that.  All she could do was nod, and hug his arm tightly to her chest.

“The rest will sort itself out tomorrow,” Holder decided.   “Now sleep,” he ordered.  

She tried to relax, but she didn’t fall asleep until after he did, when the steady rise and fall of his breathing lulled her.   In the morning, she decided, she would tell him that she loved him.  And apologize for being such a cranky bitch about everything.

But when she woke up, she was alone in the bed.  Holder had already gone.


	12. Step 12

It had been a long day.  When he’d woken up, Linden was still asleep, her face pale and her brow creased with worry lines.  It bothered him, that she was still so unpredictable.  He had thought they’d gotten through most of this shit in the past, and relieved most of her insecurities in Leavenworth, but then all of a sudden she was running away just because they had a fight.

And maybe he shouldn’ta got mad when she didn’t want to do anything, but she wasn’t exactly polite about it either.  And they fought.  But so what?  People do that, he figured, so what was the big deal?  He didn’t expect her to be gone when he got home.  He wouldn’t have even left but he had the appointment booked, and even without Linden’s participation, he’d intended to keep it.  He was sure glad Regi had texted him to let him know where she was.  

Damn.  Like, what was he supposed to do?  He was at a loss.  It had bothered him all day.  And then work was a shitshow - this close to Christmas everyone went stupid.  Two big crises and a bunch of little ones and a fight between two of his charges just made his day that much more exhausting.   

And now it was almost 9pm and he was just getting back to the apartment, because he had to go to another appointment to fill out a bunch of paperwork related to his appointment the night before.  The one Linden had copped out on.  And what was he supposed to do about Linden anyways?

He unlocked the apartment and scanned the rooms.  The first thing he noticed was that something smelled good - like food - and then he spotted her, curled up on the couch.  

“Hey,” he said, because he couldn’t come up with anything better.  

She blinked at him, and then blinked again.  She must have been dozing.  “There’s some pasta in the oven,” she told him.  

“You nesting?” He asked, gesturing to the blankets she had piled on the floor.  She shrugged, then sat up, and suddenly grabbed at the blanket she was wrapped in.   He wasn’t sure what that was about, so he raised one eyebrow and waited. 

“I was just...waiting for you to come home.”  

“I did text you to let you know I’d be late,” he reminded her.

“I know.”  She tucked the blanket tighter around herself.  She looked as uncomfortable as she sounded.  

“You naked under there or something?” he teased as he walked over to stand in front of her, grinning at that idea.   She ducked her eyes and refused to answer.  Interesting.  Despite their being on slightly shaky footing after the day before, he was intrigued enough by this turn of events to reach out and tug the blanket away before she could realize what he was doing.   

His gaze roved over her.  He started at her bare legs - not really suitable for this weather, and then he travelled up.  She was wearing - was she? Really?  “An apron, Linden?  That’s what you were hiding?”  He made it to her face and was doubly intrigued by the way her cheeks were stained pink.  He wasn’t sure he’d ever seen her blush before.  

“Your food is in the oven,” she deflected.  

He reached out and caught her arm - it was bare too - and tugged her to her feet.   Then he stepped back to give her a good once over.  It was a Christmas apron, he noted immediately.  An elf Christmas apron, no less.  And she looked terribly uncomfortable.   “Whoa, Linden.  What happened?  The apron attack you and refuse to leave?  No way you’d put that on willingly,” he teased, hoping to jostle her out of her obvious unease.  

She made some kind of huffing noise that wasn’t really a laugh, but wasn’t negative either.  Her eyes were fixed firmly on his feet.  She was almost withdrawing, he thought - and he couldn’t quite tell if it was his teasing or just a result of her stepping so far out of her comfort zone and regretting it now.  He didn’t want her to regret it.   “Linden,” he said softly, then “Sarah.”   Slowly she looked up at him, her eyes filled with uncertainty and yes, definitely some embarrassment. 

He reached out and tugged on her hair elastic until her hair fell in waves around her face.  “Mmmm, that’s better.”  He stepped back and eyed her up and down, taking in every detail.  “Lookin’ good, Linden.   Turn around,” he suggested, offering her a wicked grin.  He wanted to see what she was wearing underneath the elf monstrosity.

“No,” she laughed then, before ducking around him and heading towards the kitchen.  “Come on, the pasta will dry out if it stays in the oven too long.”    

When he turned to watch her go, he found out what she was wearing underneath it.  Nothing.  Which he had kind of suspected, but the reality was still something of a shock to his system.  He reached out and grabbed the back of the apron strings at her waist, stopping her progress and pulling her back until she was pressed up against him so that he could wrap his arms around her.   He used his nose and chin to push some of her hair aside, then nuzzled the side of her neck.  “You did all this, for me?”  

She laughed, an uncomfortable, closed-mouthed little sound.  “I owed you a pretty big apology,” she admitted quietly.  He could tell it was hard for her, uncomfortable even.  

“Yeah, well, I shouldn’ta overreacted,” he admitted.

“I-” she started, but he stopped her, interrupting. 

“We both reacted badly.   We fought.  It’s done.  You’re still my girl, Sarah.”

She turned in his arms then, and looked up at him, her eyes searching his.  “Is it that simple?”  

“Well, yeah.  I mean, if we let it be.”   He watched as relief flooded her features, and some of the tight bands that had been around his heart all day loosened.  “Is that what this is?” he asked, toying with the ties of the apron behind her, “an apology?”

“Partly,” she admitted. “But it was probably my turn to do something for you, too.  Leave those alone,” she chided, sidling away from his fingers before he could get the apron undone.  “Go eat your supper.”  

He worked his way through his plate in record time.  Partly because he was starving and it was good.  But mostly because he was way more interested in savoring Linden in that apron than he was in food, but it was clear she wasn’t gonna let him until he’d eaten his meal.   He dumped his plate in the sink as she finished putting the leftovers into the fridge.  It gave him the perfect opportunity to come up behind her and slide his arms around her again.  

He leaned over a bit to kiss her cheek, and the side of her neck, as he let his hands roam over the apron.  When he got to the bottom of it, he kept one hand on her belly, anchoring her to him while the other slid underneath the apron, finding its way between her legs, brushing up against her.  He slid one finger into her, testing and teasing, and she exhaled sharply and let her head fall back against his shoulder.  It opened her up to him that little bit more.  He kept teasing her, sliding his fingers against her, kissing her neck, nipping at the sensitive skin where her neck met her shoulder, until she was panting softly.  

She turned in his arms, and looked up at him through lidded eyes as her hands went to work on the snap of his jeans.  She wasn’t having much luck with it so he helped her quickly, stepping out of them before he took her by the shoulders and kissed her soundly.  He let his hands travel down to her hips, and then he lifted her against him until her legs wrapped around his waist.  She hummed a sigh into his mouth as her arms snaked around his neck.

Desperate for more, he made it to the edge of the counter with her and perched her on it, sliding into her in one easy move.  She gasped out a breath and tried to cling to him, but it was obvious fairly quickly that it wasn’t working right for them, and she let go, leaning back on her elbows, letting him do the work.  It took no time at all for her to tighten around him, panting and gasping and staring at him wide-eyed.   

And he was close.  So close, but then she was pushing him away, trying to get off the counter, shaking her head at him.  “Not yet,” her voice was a harsh whisper, punctuated by the staccato of her breathing.  It was torture, he thought.  She was going to kill him.  And where did she find this energy right after an orgasm, anyways, he wondered as she rushed to the door, checked the locks, killed the lights in the kitchen.  And he hadn’t found the ability to move away from the counter yet.

“Come on,” she whined impatiently, tugging him into the living room and then picking at his sweater.  “Take your clothes off.”  

“Oh, so we’re bossy now?” he couldn’t help but tease, and he grinned at her when her eyes narrowed.  But he pulled his sweater and t-shirt off anyways, because he was all for getting naked with her as soon as possible.   She was reaching around for the apron strings, but he wasn’t ready for her to lose that yet, so he smacked her hands away gently, then tugged her down to the blankets with him, helped her straddle him and slide down onto him.  Her eyes slid closed. 

And then, nothing.  He didn’t move, and neither did she.   After a few seconds that felt like minutes, her eyes flew open again and she scanned his face.

“Aren’t you going to -”

“You gonna-” he said at the same time, then chuckled as they cut each other off.  “It’s your show, mama.  I’m just here for the ride,” he suggested.  She nodded, and started to move slowly, a little frown of concentration on her face.  As if she thought she had to try real hard to get it right.   She didn’t, but the effort, knowing she was doing it for him, helped him along.  He let his hands run over her body as she moved over top of him in a steady rhythm, but he wanted to touch more of her.  So he reached around behind her and slowly pulled on the ties, until the they came away and he could slide the apron off of her, and run his hands over her breasts.  He kneaded, and her eyes widened.  And that was all it took.   His hands slid down to her hips and he pulled her down into him hard once, twice, and then he was gone, and so was she.  

“God, I love you, you know that?” he breathed a while later, when he could finally find his voice.  And blankets.  “And it’s not the sex.”  

She made some kind of unidentifiable noise in response, and he knew she wasn’t sleeping but he guessed she was still dozing a bit.  While he waited for her to rest up, he looked over and let his eyes run up the tree.  It was something.  And it interested him that she had put them there, under the tree, again.  It wasn’t something he would have expected, not really.  But then, she’d never been very predictable.

Still, it was something he wanted to explore a bit.  “We keep ending up down here, I might conclude that you actually  **_like_ ** sleepin’ by the Christmas tree,” he teased, letting one finger trail down her spine.   She giggled.  Actually giggled.

“I like the lights,” she admitted quietly a minute later.  “They sparkle.  Like stars in the night.”  

“Yeah.  They do.  That snowman family looks great beside it, too.  It was a good buy,” he changed the subject as his attention wandered.  “Really neat decoration, too, since it’s so expandable and all.” 

She stilled then, in his arms.  He thought she wasn’t even breathing, for a minute.  “Do you want more?  Kids, I mean?”  

She sounded uncomfortable.  He wasn’t sure if she was asking because she wanted another kid, or because she didn’t.  But he was pretty sure that she wasn’t gonna be interested in having any more.  In fact, if he knew Linden, and he liked to think that he did, her answer would be Hell No, she’s already got one in college.  He wondered if she’d conclude they weren’t going to work if he did want kids.  He would have loved one or two more - especially with Sarah.  But having her was more important to him.  “Ah… you know, Linden,” he tried to come up with a safe answer.  “We got Jack, and Kalia.  And I got you.  What more could I want?”  

She looked up at him, her eyes searching his face.  “Are you sure?”  

His chest loosened, now that he knew he had given the right answer.  “I’ve never been more sure of anything,” he assured her.  She nodded and settled back against him, shivering a bit, so he tightened the blankets around her.  “Do you want to move to the bed?” he asked, “or stay here?”

“I don’t want to move,” she admitted quietly.  “Just hold me, like this, for tonight.”


	13. Christmas Eve

Sarah was just finishing up tidying the house when Holder came in through the door.  He was talking cheerfully, and it didn’t really sound like a Kalia-level conversation.  Before she had a chance to look up to see who he was talking to, though, Kalia rocketed into the kitchen and launched herself at her.  She caught the little girl - barely.  

“Guess what Sarah!  Guess what!”

“Tomorrow’s Christmas,” she guessed, prying the child off of her legs and hugging her properly.  

“No!  Yes!  But we have a surprise!”  

“Kalia,” Holder’s voice called out a stern warning, “We do not run into the apartment with boots and jackets on.  Come get undressed.”  

“Wait,” Sarah grinned, looking up at Holder while she tried to decide who would break first.  “I want to know what the surprise-”  

She was staring at an apparition.  She had to be.  She was imagining things.  Hallucinating.  Like a dehydrated person in the desert.  Because Jack couldn’t be standing behind Holder right now.  Jack was in Chicago.  

“Merry Christmas, Mom,” the apparition said.  

“Jack,” she whispered.  She never really realized she was moving, but then she was standing in front of him, reaching up, touching his cheek, his hair.  He was actually real.  Tangible.  Standing right in front of her.  “Oh Jack,” she breathed, throwing her arms around her son.  

“Toldja,” she heard Holder’s satisfied statement.

“You did,” Jack agreed, sounding rueful.   She pulled away just a little bit, eyeballing both of them with curiosity.  And suspicion.

“He told you what, exactly,” she addressed her son, figuring he’d be the easier mark.

She was wrong.  Jack just ducked his head then hugged her again.  “Nothing,” he avoided.  

“I told him,” Holder supplied, “that it mattered to you if he was here for Christmas, or not.  Because someone thought it wouldn’t.  Matter, that is.  Since you hate Christmas and all.”

“It matters,” she choked out, tightening her hold on her son.  Her son.  Who was here for Christmas after all.  

She still wasn’t ready to let go when Jack started to pry his way out of her arms.  “Mom,” he sounded uncomfortable.  “Are you going to let me go before New Years?”  

She laughed shakily and squeezed him once more before stepping back.  She knew she couldn’t hide the emotion from her face, or the sheen of tears she found herself gazing at him through, so she flung herself at Holder instead.  “Thank you,” she whispered, burying her face into his chest as his arms came around her.  “I love you.”

“I’ll pay you back for the tickets,” she whispered a moment later.  The hand he’d been running up and down her back stilled.  

“No way, Linden,” he disagreed, his voice muffled by her hair.  “This one’s on me.  Don’t argue,” he added when she inhaled and pulled back a bit to do exactly that.  She gazed up at him, trying to figure out how to argue anyways, because he’d done so many nice things already.   One of the tears she’d been fighting escape, and he brushed it away with his thumb.  His gaze was soft and full of so many emotions, mirroring hers.  And then she couldn’t have said anything if she had tried, so she just smiled at him as best she could, then turned back to find out that Kalia had already commandeered Jack.  

And then Holder was chiding Kalia to take her stuff to her room and Jack was moving his luggage to a corner out of the way in the living room, and all she could think as she looked at everyone crowded into the apartment was how that this was home.  Family.  And how desperately she didn’t want to lose it.

****************************

“Come on,” Holder ordered, his annoyance evident.  “We’re gonna be late and we still gotta stop at Pike’s Place for some shrimp to take to Regi’s.”    He was having trouble rounding up Kalia and Jack, who’d both gotten off track while they waited for the her and Holder.  

“And whose fault is that?” she couldn’t help but ask him as she sidled up to him, throwing some sass into the question.

“Not mine,” he feigned exasperation, then kissed her on the cheek.  

But it had been.  It had totally been his fault.  He was the one who climbed into the shower with her, supposedly to save time.  And he was the one who left the mistletoe hanging there, still.  And she was the one who had all sorts of emotions to get out, and all sorts of gratitude to express. So of course she had taken advantage of the mistletoe to kiss him senseless.  Which led to the true expression of her gratitude, right there in the shower, with the running water for white noise so her gasps and his groans wouldn’t carry.  

And now they were flirting with the clock.  Kalia was still fussing about what shoes to wear, but Jack had gotten his laced up so he grabbed the little girl and swung her up onto his back, piggy back, making her squeal.  

“Quit horsin’ around!” Holder ordered at the same time as Jack said “She’s ready, let’s go!” and started to cart the little girl out the door.

“My shoes!” she squealed, giggling.  

And Sarah’s heart grew again, watching her son and Holder’s daughter.  She caught Holder’s eye and saw the same awe and amazement and love she was feeling mirrored in his gaze.   “I’ve got her shoes,” she finally suggested, grabbing a pair from the closet and showing them to Kalia.  “You can put them on in the car.”

With that, they managed to all get piled into her car, with Holder at the wheel - something he tried to get away with as often as possible.  Which she like to grouse about, usually.  But not today. Today she was content to be a passenger, and grill Jack about what he was up to, how long he was staying, what he was going to do while he was here, how was his girlfriend?  Finally he laughed, “mom”’ing her and rolling his eyes.  She just grinned at him from ear to ear, until he asked her if her face was broken.   

They took the time to stroll down Pike Place briefly, since it had been years since Jack had been.  Holder picked up his jumbo shrimp, and they watched the fish toss for a bit.  

“I’ve missed Seattle,” Jack commented.

“It’s nice to be back here,” she admitted, while Kalia jumped up and down squealing as fish flew through the air.  It was something that never changed - the entertainment children got from watching dead scaly creatures get tossed around.   It reminded her of when Jack was little, and how strange it was to be holding a little girl’s hand while her basically grown son stood on her other side.   

They were almost at the car when she touched Holder’s elbow and gestured silently to a small street vendor who was selling out the last of his poinsettias.    She didn’t give him time to question or respond, just strode over to the booth.

“I’ll take four, please.  No, five, actually,” she requested, digging her wallet out of her jacket pocket.  

“Five?  Whatever are we going to do with five of those things?”  Holder was suddenly beside her, disbelief etched in every word.  

She turned towards him.  “Regi.  Bullet, Kallie, Trish Seward, Patti,”  Except she didn’t know where Patti was buried, she realized.  “Wait, no, just 4.  I don’t know where Patti is.”

“Regi will know,” Holder pointed out. 

“I don’t want to bother her with it,” she shook her head.  “Four is fine.”

“I’m sure she won’t mind,” Holder chided, then turned to the guy.  “She’ll take five.”

*********************************

“I suppose you’re going to want to stop at the cemetery now,” he commented as they pulled back onto the street, the poinsettias all  positioned carefully around people and on the floor.  “You realize we’re gonna be late for Regi’s.”  

“She’s used to that,”  Jack commented from the back.  “Mom used to always be late.”

“He’s not wrong,” she admitted on a sigh.  ‘It’s different now, but Regi’ll get it.”  

“So long as you do the ‘splainin’, Lucy,” Holder shrugged, then signaled to turn left, heading away from the docks and towards the multi-denominational cemetery where Bullet, Kallie, and Trish Seward were all buried.  

He stopped for Trish first, since she was at the opposite end of the cemetery as the girls, and then he let her get out on her own.  She wished he hadn’t stayed behind, though, as she stood staring at the angel by the tombstone.  There were fresh flowers there, too.  Someone in her family had cared.  Or Adrian still visited.  Or both.  

She hadn’t counted on the strength of emotions that flooded her as she stood there.  Past failures mingled with heartbreak, and the biggest deception of all.  Most days, she’d found her peace, but if she was honest with herself she still didn’t understand how she didn’t see it; how she could have ever loved such a monster.  But if things hadn’t played out the way they did - if Skinner had been discovered sooner, if Ray Seward hadn’t been arrested, if she had never been institutionalized...would she have still found Holder?  Would she have still found her home?  

“You ok?”  Holder’s voice in her ear startled her, her breath catching in her throat.  She hadn’t heard him come up behind her.  

“What do you think would have happened, if things didn’t happen the way they did.  If Ray hadn’t been sentenced to death.  If I hadn’t realized something was off.  If Sk… if everything had been different.  Would we still be here, today?” 

“Here in the cemetery?  Maybe not,” Holder admitted, sliding a hand across her back, warm and solid and grounding.   “But it happened that way, and we are here.”

“But would we have been here.   Together.  Us.  Would our paths ever have crossed?”

“Well, yeah, I think so,” he said after a moment, matter-of-fact.  “I mean, what’s meant to be will be, right?”  

She was fighting to keep her composure, and she knew Holder could see it.  He smiled down at her, a gentle, kind smile, then took the plant from her and placed it on the grave.  “You know, you have no reason to make amends, nothing to apologize for, right?”  he asked as he stood back up.  “You didn’t do anything wrong.  They weren’t your failures.”

“Yeah,” she finally managed to choke out on a shaky breath.  “I know.”  

*****************************

“I can’t decide if it suits her, or if she’d have hated it,” she admitted, standing in front of Bullet’s headstone.  Holder had come with her this time after asking Jack to mind Kalia.  

“Both, maybe,” he offered quietly.  She knew that Bullet’s fate was his biggest regret.  

“It wasn’t your fault, you know.”

“Coulda, shoulda, woulda, you know?  You know, Sarah.  You got the same regrets.”

She nodded, because they had just talked about them five minutes prior, then knelt down to brush her hand over Bullet’s gravestone.  Rachel Olmstead.  Such a preppy name, for a girl who lived by her own rules.  “She was true to herself, and she lived life on her terms.  You have to admire that.”  

Holder handed her the poinsettia to place, and then took her by the elbow to help her to her feet, before guiding her  to Kallie’s grave.   They were only there a couple of minutes, but as they turned to leave she saw Danette Leeds, hanging a few feet back, staring at her.  

She couldn’t just walk away without a proper acknowledgement.  It felt wrong.  So she let her feet carry her, until she was standing in front of Danette.

“She would have been in college, now,” Danette spoke first, her voice quiet and guarded. “If I had been a better mother.”  

“I owe you an apology.  For some of the things I said.”  Sarah knew it was true, that she had been too harsh back then, letting her personal feelings override her empathy.  “It was unfair, and unkind.”

“You were right, though.  What kind of mother-” Danette choked for a minute, then sighed.  “The kind who doesn’t deserve her kid, I guess.  Kallie didn’t deserve this, though.”

“Nobody deserves this.  It’s not your fault.  You did the best you knew how to.”  She didn’t know what else to say, so she just went with her instinct, stepped out of her comfort zone, and Danette a careful hug.  “I’m sorry for your loss.”

“Detective,” Danette called to her after she’d turned and started walking away.

She paused, looked back.  “Not anymore.”  

“Thank you.  And Merry Christmas.”

*******************************

“I see someone decided to grace us with his presence after all,” Regi said as she opened the door and spotted Jack, who grinned sheepishly as they were all ushered inside.   The chaos was instant, once they were on the boat, overriding the chaos of her mind.  Somewhere in the mix she was handing Regi the plant - almost awkwardly - and trying to find a seat while Holder jostled good naturedly with Jack and Kalia leaned over the table to sample whatever snacks Regi had out.  

She was just about to sit on a stool she’d managed to scavenge from under the table when she heard Holder addressing Regi, asking where Patti was buried.  “Holder.  Not now,” she chided.  

“Why not?  The kids can stay here and we can make a quick run out there,” he argued.  

“You want to go to Patti’s grave?” Regi met her eyes, her expression quizzical.

“I just… I have a… thing,” she shrugged, gesturing awkwardly towards the poinsettia plant on Regi’s table.  She had to force herself to not look away from Regi’s face as she waited a long minute for her old friend to finally nod and answer.

“I’ll take you,” Regi decided, leaving her no room for argument.  “Just give me a sec to go let Ellen know.”

She ducked and dodged Regi’s questions on the drive, because she didn’t know how to explain this sudden need to make amends, or to acknowledge the people who’d influenced her life, or honor them, or whatever this sudden urge she had was.  She didn’t really understand it herself.  Thinking too hard about it made her feel like it was a ridiculous idea.

She was about to suggest they turn around when Regi turned into the cemetery and put the car in park.   And then she was following her to Patti’s grave, poinsettia held tightly in both hands.  

“You only ran away from her once, that I know of,” Regi commented when they’d been standing, silent, in front of the headstone for a good two minutes.  

“I think just the once.  She came and found me herself.”  She’d forgotten that, until Regi had mentioned it.  The rest of her homes had just called Regi and let the social worker deal with the  _ impossible child _ .  “She told me she wasn’t mad.  Asked me what she needed to do to help me feel comfortable staying, so that I wouldn’t run away.  I didn’t answer her.  I didn’t know the answer.  I don’t think I said anything, but she didn’t get mad then either.  She just took me for iced cream.”  She blew out a breath, then looked over at Regi.  

“I had hoped that she would be your last home.  Patti tended to keep her fosters for the long term.  And if the system had tried to move you she would have fought to adopt you.  She thought you were special, and she felt that you needed her.”

“I just have no luck, or something,” she shrugged, looking back.  

“Everything happens for a reason.  Look at what you have now,” Regi pointed out.

She was right, in a way.  But what would happen if something happened that didn’t fit with Holder’s plan for their future?  Would he bail?  Would he stay?  She wished things could be the way the last few weeks had been, forever.  

“What if things change?” she voiced her fear as she knelt and placed the plant by the left corner of Patti’s headstone.  

“They’re bound to.  Nothing stays the same forever.  But that doesn’t mean you’ll lose him.  Don’t worry about the future, Sarah.  Just enjoy today.”  

She nodded as she stood, sliding her hands into her pockets and staring down at the stone. It was easier said than done, but it was good advice.  Regi was almost always right, she thought ruefully.  

“Patti would be pleased that you remember her with some fondness.  You know,” Regi continued, “We need more homes like she provided.  And you know what’s it’s like to be in the system, so you would know how to be the kind of home these kids need.  Maybe you should talk to Holder about fostering.   Think about it.  There’s no rush.  Also, we have a part time administrative position opening up in January.  I can get you the details if you’re interested in applying.  Again - no rush.  I was going to talk to you about all of this in January, but this seems like a good place to mention it. You could be a Patti, to someone.”  

She had no words.  They were just gone, lost in a rush of emotion and a lump in her throat that she couldn’t swallow.  Regi must have read it on her face, because she stepped forward and wrapped her in a hug.  

“It took a while and had some serious bumps in the road, but you got where you needed to be, Sarah.  I’m proud of you.”  

************************************

“Alright, little lady, go get in your pj’s and get your milk and cookies ready for Santa,” Holder ordered cheerfully as they tumbled back into his apartment later that night.   She was stuffed from all of Regi’s food, and tired from the emotional toll her impromptu afternoon travels had taken.  But happy, underneath it all, to have Holder and Jack beside her, while the joy of his excited kid surrounded them.  

“Daddy, not yet!”  Kalia argued.  

“The sooner you go to sleep, the sooner Santa’ll come,” Jack suggested, winking at the little girl before Holder could admonish his daughter for arguing.   The little girl’s eyes widened and she scurried off to the bedroom.  After exchanging a typically complicated and impossible-to-follow handshake with her son, Holder wandered into their room to get Jack blankets for the couch.  

Then, she was left alone with Jack.  “Kalia’s like a mini-girl-Holder,” Jack commented. 

“She is,” she agreed, then she reached out to hug her son again.  “I’m so, so glad you came, Jack.”  

**************************************************************************************************************************************

By the time Holder had dug out blankets for Jack and his prized bag of mistletoe, Kalia was in her pj’s, standing on a chair and leaning on the counter, diligently plating some sugar cookies for Santa, with Sarah’s help.  He watched them for a minute, feeling overly warm about the way his woman was helping his little girl. Neither had noticed him, even when Linden went to pull a glass out of the cupboard.  

“Here,” he finally whispered as he headed Jack’s way.  “Hang on to all of this.  And this,” he handed him the bag of mistletoe, before sauntering to the kitchen with one sprig in his hand. 

He got there just as she was putting the lid back on the cookie container, while Jack helped Kalia take her plate of cookies and glass of milk to the tree.   He took the opportunity to lean into her space and hold the mistletoe over Sarah’s head.  “Kiss,” he demanded cheekily.    

He may have surprised her, but if he did she didn’t show it.  She just rolled her eyes and swatted his hand away from her head and ducked around him.  “Really, Holder.  You can do better than that.” 

“Not with Jack around, I can’t!” He protested, letting his voice pitch higher, feigning shock.   She shook her head, laughing. 

“Ewww!  Holder!  Gross!”  Jack exclaimed from the couch, and when he glanced the boy’s way he found his expression the picture of horror.   Kalia was still at the coffee table, carefully ensuring the perfect cookie arrangement, oblivious to everything.

“Ah, c’mon lil’ man!  You know your ma’s got needs,”  he joked, wagging the mistletoe around as he stalked his woman.

“Holder!”  Linden shot out, trying to sound angry and failing, her cheeks tinged a rosy pink.

“Can I go back to Chicago now?”  Jack whined.

“No.”  Holder stated emphatically, as he managed to corner Linden, raise the mistletoe, and kiss her soundly. 

“Well, maybe I should go stay with Regi,” Jack interrupted, his voice the picture of disgust.  

“You’re fine here,” she told her son as she shoved away from him again.  “Holder will behave.”  Still laughing, she turned away and he thought he heard her mutter “for the first time in his life.” 

“I’ll remind you that I have done better,” the devil in Holder added, his grin widening as he got his desired reaction.   

“Mom!” Jack groaned, sinking deeper into the couch as if he wanted to disappear.  Linden just stared at him in disbelief before bursting out laughing again, so hard this time that she had to use the wall to hold herself up.  

“Go put your kid to bed,” she finally choked out.  “I’ll help Jack make his.”

“Yes, boss,” he teased, then scooped his kid up and carried her out of the room upside down, enjoying the sound of her shrieks and Linden’s laugh and Jack’s exasperated comments about their three-ring circus.  And every time he closed his eyes he saw Linden’s face when she first saw her son, and the light in her eyes and obvious happiness.  Second best thing he’d ever done.  It was definitely the best Christmas ever.


	14. Christmas Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finally...the last chapter. Are you all jumping with joy? ;-)

Holder was niggled awake Christmas morning to a knock on the bedroom door, and a quiet “Hey, mom?”  He glanced down to check on Linden, and found her curled up on her side, tucked under his arm with her head pillowed on his shoulder.   She was sound asleep.

“Come in here, Lil’ man.” he called softly, cupping one hand over Linden’s available ear to muffle the sound as best he could.

“No way.”  Jack sounded scandalized, he thought with a grin. 

“Just come in,” he called back impatiently.  

The door crept open and Jack snuck in sideways, his eyes squinted shut and pointed firmly at the floor.   

“Your eyes ain’t gonna burn outta their sockets if you open them,” he chuckled.  “Let your ma get her beauty rest. What’d you need?”

“Regi just texted me.  Wanted to know if we could go out on the boat tomorrow.”

“And that couldn’t wait until we got up?”  he rolled his eyes. “You’re worse than my kid, who is still sleeping, by the way.  I expected her to be the antsy one this morning, not you.” 

“It’s just.. In case she changes her mind,” Jack admitted.  “I haven’t been out on the boat in years.”

“So we’ll go.  Ask her what time.  I gotta drop Kalia off at her mom’s tomorrow night so anything during the day works fine,” he suggested.  But Jack didn’t move.  He was just standing there, staring at his ma, with a small frown on his face.

“What’s wrong, lil’ man?”  

“I’ve never seen her like this.  Or like she was last night.  She’s... different.”

“Happy, I think, is the word you’re lookin’ for.”  But he’d noticed worry lines over her eyes since their fight, that hadn’t been there before.  As soon as Christmas was over he was going to address those, he decided.  “It’s a good thing, lil’ man.”

Jack nodded, then ducked his head and texted Regi back.  At the same time, Linden hummed and shifted against him, starting to wake.  “I’m glad she’s finally happy,” Jack admitted as he turned to sneak back out the door.  Before he could, though, Kalia barreled right into him.

“Santa came, Santa came!  Daddy wake up!!!”  Kalia shrieked as Jack grabbed her and swung her in the air, trying to exit stage right.  Kalia squirmed until Jack almost dropped her.   As soon as she was back on her feet she took a flying leap onto the bed, and them.  “Wake up daddy, Sarah!  Santa came!”

“Toldja,” Holder chuckled to Linden, whose eyes were wide open now and full of confusion.  He wondered if she hadn’t believed him.  

Laughing, Jack finally came further into the room.  He swooped in and grabbed Kalia, then carted her out of the room.  “C’mon, munchkin,” Holder heard Jack say as he swung the door partially closed behind him, “let them get up in peace.  Let’s go catalogue the presents and see who got the most.”   

Linden groaned, and buried her face in his chest.  

“Rise and shine, my love,” he murmured, then shifted so that he was on his side, facing her.  “Remember what I said I was going to tell you?” 

She blinked at him, “Is it really morning?  Already?”

He couldn’t help it - he snorted.  “Seems so.  Christmas morning, too,” he emphasized, gazing into her wide blue eyes.  “And I’m so grateful to start it, waking up with you in my arms.  I love you, Sarah Linden.”

“I love you too,” she whispered, reaching up to kiss him.  He let her, then let it get deeper, tracing her lips with his tongue, wishing for the teeniest second that his kid wasn’t bouncing around the other room.  

“I really want to wish you Merry Christmas proper,” he said against her lips, “But I’m pretty sure we’d get interrupted.”  He sighed, pulling away.  “C’mon, woman.  We better get up before your kid corrupts mine.”

“MY kid would never.” she argued, then added cheekily, “besides, you’ve already done a good enough job corrupting yours.” 

“Oh, so that’s how you think?” He teased, grabbing her as she laughed.  He tickled her, enjoying her playfulness, then kissed her deeply one more time.  “C’mon, we reaaalllyyy better get up before your kid gets the wrong idea about us again.”

“Ohhh, I think he had the right idea about you,” Linden disagreed pointedly, adding an eye roll before she darted away laughing, faster than he could catch her to retaliate. 

************************************************************************************************************

“Holder.   **No Way** .” Sarah stopped dead, staring in horror at the apartment.   Sometime between when they went to bed and now, Holder had redecorated.   Now she finally understood why he had just rushed to beat her out of the bedroom this morning,  **and** what he needed all that mistletoe for.  It was everywhere.  Over the couch.  Between the rooms.  Under the cupboard.  By the tree.  In random places on the ceiling.  

Holder was grinning from ear to ear, and he immediately did another complicated handshake with Jack, who looked far too pleased with himself.  “Good job, Lil man,” he congratulated Jack, who must have done the hard work.  

“Mom, if you don’t change your expression your face will freeze like that,” Jack laughingly warned her, reusing a tired old threat she used to use on him when he was little.  

“Come in here,” Holder gestured.  

“No way.  It’s like a landmine.” There was no safe place to be.  Not at the table, not on the couch.  Nowhere.  The room was a mistletoe time bomb.  

“Ok,” he agreed, then moved to stand beside her.  She braced herself, because no way was he going to drag her into the war zone.  

Except he didn’t try. He just stood beside her in the doorway, looking down at her, grinning.

“Hey mom, look up,” Jack suggested, with a grin that filled her with trepidation.

Slowly, she let her eyes drift to the door frame.  She should have known.  “Kiss,” Holder stated, sounding exceptionally satisfied with himself.  And before she could do anything, he ducked down to claim one.  A long one.  That made her toes tingle.  

“You’re going to traumatize Jack,” she chided him quietly as he rested his forehead against hers for a minute once he broke away from her lips. 

“Jack’s already traumatized.  For life, and afterlife,” her son suggested with a flair for the dramatic.   She gave her head a small shake and rolled her eyes, hoping they both noticed.  Boys.  Honestly, she thought.

Holder just grinned at her for another few seconds, then tugged her into the living room.   She cuffed Jack gently on the side of the head as she went by.  “And you, stop encouraging Holder. He’s incorrigible enough without help.”

“Your ma loves that about me,” Holder stated cheerfully.  “Now, Miss Kalia, what time is it?”

“Present time!” Kalia yelled, rushing to the tree.  The chaos began.

********************************

The morning flew by and before she knew it they’d gotten through presents - Jack had been very unconcerned that she’d shipped his gifts to Chicago, not knowing he was coming - and pepper jelly egg wraps for breakfast, per Jack’s request and Kalia’s quick agreement. 

She was just finishing the cleanup when Holder checked his watch.  “So, we have two hours before we have to be at Liz’s,” he told the room in general, then turned to Jack.  “I want to take your ma to see something, real quick.  You ok to stay with Kalia for a bit?”   His daughter was sitting on the floor, surrounded by gifts, happily enjoying them all.   

Jack agreed, and Kalia was so enthralled with her haul that she didn’t even argue about not coming with them.  A first in her experience with the little girl so far, because that girl did love being wherever her daddy was.  It was sweet.  Charming.  Beguiling.  

“We could stay here too,” she suggested, because part of her really just wanted to sink into the couch and relax for a couple of hours.  But Holder shook his head, handing her her jacket.

“I really gotta show you something.  Come on, we won’t be long.”  He tugged her out the door and to the car.

Holder was acting kind of antsy, she thought.  Nervous maybe, even.   He was quiet, for him, and his fingers were drumming on the steering wheel.  The last time she’d seen him even close to this jittery, he had been using, and she knew that that wasn’t the case now.

“What’s wrong?” she asked him.  “Where are we going?”

“Nothing’s wrong,” he told her.  “And you’ll see when we get there.”

“The last time you said that we drove over two hours,” she reminded him, thinking of the Leavenworth trip.

“It was worth it.  And we aren’t leaving Seattle,” he said, his words short and clipped.  He was definitely nervous.

She was intrigued, but she let it go because she’d never seen him like this before.  Finally, he pulled into a neighborhood and parked beside a house with a temporary for sale sign out front.  He got out, then opened her door.  “C’mon,” he cupped her elbow, as if helping her out of the car.   He guided her to the edge of the lawn in front of the house, then gestured towards it.  

“Realtor can let us in tomorrow so you can see the inside,” he said, toeing the ground. “Inspection is booked for Monday, if you like it.”  

It took her a minute to process what he was saying.  He got more jittery as she stared at him in disbelief, trying to comprehend what he was saying.   “Holder, we can’t afford a house in this neighborhood,” she finally managed to say. It wasn’t like it was the fanciest neighborhood in Seattle, but it was well above anything they could afford to look at.  

“It’s being firesaled.  Almost half of market value.  My realtor called me about it before it was even listed.  I looked at it Monday,” he glanced at her then and she realized that this was where he was trying to bring her when she resisted and started their fight, “and put the offer in Tuesday so we wouldn’t lose it.  It’s contingent on inspection, financing - which will be fine -,and on you liking the house.  So if you don’t like it,” he continued on, his words rushed, “then we can cut out and I lose 500 bucks - no big deal.   We just have to tell them that part by tomorrow.”

“But-” she started, hindered by her racing thoughts and the lump in her throat.  She was pretty sure it was her heart.  Oh God, she had to tell him. She couldn't let him do this without him knowing. 

“I have a really good down payment,” he interrupted her feeble attempt to voice her thoughts, as he bracketed her shoulders with his hands.  “I've been planning for this for a long time.  I want a yard for Kalia.  And a dog.  And I want all this for you too, now.  For us.”  He was staring into her eyes, forcing her to maintain eye contact, his expression kind and hopeful, his words soft and earnest.  “ this is what I want to give you for Christmas.  A house to grow old in.  A home.”

She couldn't speak.  Her stomach was rolling and her heart was still stuck in her throat and she couldn't swallow.  Or breathe.  she cut her eyes to the ground because she couldn't bear to see the love and the hope on his face anymore.

He mistook her panic for anger.  “Don't be mad, Sarah.  I didn’t mean to do it without you. It’s just you...and… I mean… everything was crazy, and I just didn't want to miss out.  If you hate it when you see it we can find another. But check out this listing, it's  **sweet.** And Kalia and Jack would each have their own room, and it totally has a bathtub like the one in Leavenworth,” he rambled on, “but if you don't like it it's fine.  I have a good down and we can find something else together and we'll have our own home.  And-”

“Holder,” she managed to choke out, placing a hand on his cheek as she cut him off.  Her hands were freezing and her whole body felt like it was encased in ice.  She had to tell him, because he’d told her how he felt about things, and he couldn't make this big and expensive a decision without knowing.  And she really hadn't wanted to ruin Christmas for him but here she was, doing it anyways.  She took another shaky breath, met his concerned gaze, and offered him a helpless shrug as her eyes flooded with tears and her heart broke into a million pieces.  “I'm pregnant.” 

 

  
**Merry Christmas, everyone!** (I can still say that, because today is Ukrainian Xmas)


End file.
